Changes...

In the past two weeks, or so, I've seen some dramatic changes in her behavior. She has been much more receptive. She has also been a lot more afectionate. I no longer feel like I am only on the giving end of the afection. She often reaches for my hand instead of it always being the other way around. It gives me a lot of hope when we are together.

But.....There is still something that I am waiting for. I hope that this change I've seen is not just a way of steering me away from what I've been hoping for. In order for me to move forward with this relationship I NEED to KNOW that the other one is OVER. There was a time, about a month ago that I was confident that it was over. But in light of what I've seen in the last 3 weeks, I'm not so sure. These are the things that keep me up at night, with the thoughts that it might be hopeless. The thought keeps going through my head that she wants to get back with him, and what I've seen supports this idea. I just need to see something that tells me different. I need to see it, not hear or read it. Words are far to easy to make up. It needs to be something that can't be taken back or explained away. Otherwise, it's just black ink on white paper.

How long will I have to wait?

She doesn't see the problem...

She thinks that it is a simple matter of believing what she is saying. And that I am just not letting go of what happened in the past.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. This has NOTHING to do with anything that happened before March 4th.

This has to do with the fact that I am STILL finding recent communication attempts. NOT past, recent!

Try to look at it through my eyes. On one hand you have a loving wife who tells you that she is deeply in love with you and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. And to prove it she offers up the fact that she is there with you.

On the other hand you find out that she has been calling and visiting the other man. You also find several notes writen to or about this other man. And several of those notes say "I will wait for you". Some of these notes also say that you are astranged in your own home. And that the couple is in the process of a divorce. The notes, he knows tell the truth, because they were never intended for him to see. Therefore he knows that they are true or were true at the time they were written.

So now I am in the midst of a big uncertanty. On one hand I want more than ever to trust and believe her. But there is no proof. There is nothing concrete, nothing that can't be denied. Only words. Words that were written for me to see.

On the other I have TONS of proof that she would rather be with the other man, but this proof may be out of date.

So I tell her a way to wash away the uncertanty. A way for there to be something undeniable, that would prove that she indeed does love me and is here of her own choosing.

But instead I get excuses.

1. It was done already, it would be stupid to do it again.
2. I can't do it because I promised that I would not talk to him.
3. Even if I did do it, you would not believe it.

If you don't want to truely end it with him you could just say NO.

The ball is in your court.

I read her blog tonight...

There was somethings in it that made me so angry that I had to leave a comment.

1. She is afraid of breaking the "no contact" rule. I don't buy it. It didn't bother her last month, so why now?

2. She says that they were "Just Friends". I don't buy it. Not one of the notes I've found (that I know are true) has even mentioned the word friend. They are all about a lost lover. Her hero, the one she has been waiting all of her life for. The one she gave her heart to a long time ago. The one she wanted to work side by side for the rest of her life with. I've found out too many things she swore to are not true to just say OK, I believe you. If she wants me to trust her, she is going to have to do the work. She has to prove to me that she can be trusted. I took her to the bank, to have her put on my checking account, to prove to her that I can and will trust her some day. But I can't do all the work myself. Trust has to be earned. And the way she has been going she will never get there.

I'm ready to do what ever is needed to make this work.

Are you?

A Crappy Day...

Today was for the most part a crappy day. Hot. Humid, and I had to work the car wash. Working the car wash is not that bad, but I only get 2 hours to spend with the family. We had a nice dinner when I got home, which was cool. Gina and her two were over for chinese food. But it seemed like as soon as dinner was over, it was time to go to work. It just puts me in a bit of a sad mood.

We stil haven't talked. Today was not a good day for it because I didn't really have time, but we really need to talk. I need to know what is going through her head. What effect did reading my journal have on her other than her being afraid I might leave? Does she think I am being a whiny little child that can't get what he wants, or does she see some logic in what I am thinking? Can she see how it is holding me back? How I am still waiting for some closure? We definately need to talk tomarrow. We need to make the time. It can't be put off any longer.

I can't wait much longer.....

It's Been A While...

I haven't been able to add an entry in a while. I want this to be a daily record, but what can you do.

Let's see....

Friday I had to work the car wash. It was fairly buisy so the time went pretty quick. While I was at work Deb took the kids and the neighbors to Silver Sands again. They took grandma with them this time. They wanted to get her mind off of her father's passing that morning. She flew down to Equidor the next morning for his fuleral and such.

Saturday we hung out in Gina's yard and tried to get the pool straightened out. It didn't work so we just let the kids swim in it half full and sat in the sun. Later I took everyone out to Hometown Buffet for supper. Brad spent the day at Nanna's house 'cause he was being real whiner that morning.

We STILL haven't had a chance to talk. It's no ones fault directly. I don't know what to say. But I know I need to say something. I still need to KNOW it's over. She seems to have kicked her "happy face" into overdrive. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel welcome and loved. But when I have time alone I still feel scared and alone. It is worst at bed time when I am the only one in the house awake. There is nothing to do but think about the future. Some times I want to wake her up, just to tell her that I love her. But that would be silly. No sence in that.

Oops....I slept through my appointment.

Was supposed to go to the dentist today at 11:20am. But I didn't wake up 'til 1:30pm. I was laying in bed trying to get to sleep that morning, but I wasn't having much luck. I was actually still awake at 10:00am. I told myself that I should just stay awake until the appointment and get some sleep after. The next thing I remember, I was looking at the clock at half past one. When Deb got home she said that she tried calling like 8 times. I never heard a thing. But then I haven't been sleeping very good lately, and it must have caught up with me.

Took the family out to diner at Hometown Buffet. Food was good as usual. Jake actuall ate quite a bit, but Brad was ready to go before I even hit the desert table. After that we hung out with Gina for a while. Tried to drain and fill the pool, but it was not filling up straight so we gave up for the day on that.

Brad managed to hurt himself again today. This time it was riding Jake's bike in the Eagle's Club Parking lot. He said "I was trying to do a no hander, and I fell off the back". He scrapped up his shoulder and elbow, and got a good knott on his head, but he will be OK.

We talked a little tonight. Not really talked but made plans to make time to talk tomarrow. She was scared that I was going to leave. She said that when I didn't answer the phone this morning, she thought that I had left. I assured her that I was not going anywhere, and that I would see her in the morning.

I've been trying to start a talk for a few days now, but I can never think of a good way to get it going. A few times I have asked her how she was feeling, but I always got the same answer that she was fine. I think the trouble I'm having getting the ball rolling is that I told her everything that makes me sad already. I really can't say anything new. I don't want to keep saying the same things to her over and over, I think that would do more harm than good. It would make her feel like I'm badgering her and push her even further away. I just need to feel safe. And I need her to start earning some trust back. This would be so much easier if I didn't love her so much.

Spent the day at the beach...

We all went down to Silver Sands today. Everyone except Brad had a great time. Brad jumped out of the van, right on a beer bottle and cut the bottom of his foot. So he was sentances to a day in the sand rather than the water. He still managed to have a pretty good time. He walked almost all the way out to Charles Island on the sandbar. Jake and Alex had a great time looking for hermit crabs. They had quite the collection by day's end. Casandra and Gina had fun at the waters edge. They would pick a spot and wait for the tide to come in and cover them. Casandra was also covering herself with sand all day. Got a good picture of her with my phone. Deb and I spent most of the time wading in the tidal pools looking for shells and whatever else caught our eye.

Well.....Today was the first annavirsary of my fathers death. To tell the truth, I didn't really think of it much. It never really bothered me today the way his birthday did. I think I just had too many other things on my mind.

The pain in my heart got a little sharper tonight. I looked at her blog and saw that she sees my pain as me not being able to get over it. And basicly, that she was not going to do what I need. I kind of expected this. I had a feeling that she didn't want to cut all ties to him. That would mean that there was no hope of ever getting back together with him. So instead she wants me to just trust that her heart is here.

So I guess I just have to sit here with the knife still sticking out of my back and SMILE!!!

She says she doesn't know what to do....

The pain I am feeling is from not knowing. Not knowing who she is really "in" love with.

I know what she has been telling me from the start. That she loves me and wants to be with me.

But I also know what I read. That she is still in love with him, and wants to be with him.

So which is the TRUTH. They can't both be true.

If only there was a way to remove all the lies and see only what was real. And what makes the whole thing worse is the fact that she hasen't ended it with him in a way that I could see. Maybe if I KNEW it was really over it would remove some of the uncertinty.

But then maybe she doesn't want to end it.

Well....She knows what I have been crying out for.

Now that she has read this journal, she knows exactly what I have been asking for. No more misunderstanding what I need. I hope she doesn't think that an article on her blog will do the trick.

I need to know the truth about how she is feeling. And I need to know that he knows the truth as well.

NO MORE BULLSHIT.

I've been lied to every day since March 4th. The story she wrote in her blog is the same thing she has been telling me from the begining. Well. I know now that it was bullshit then, so why should I think it is the truth now?

How can I love her so much that she consumes my every thought, and hate her at the same time?

I asked her lastnight.....

I asked her what she was conserned about and her answer was "nothing". I think that says it all. It sums up all of my fears and heartaches into one word. She wants to continue to live like nothing is wrong. Just smile and act happy. Well I can't. I need someone to pull the knife out of my back. Every day the wound gets more infected and festers into something bigger. If she doesen't pull it out soon I will have to do it myself, and I think that would break my heart more than anything she could do. I don't want to but I can't live like this. I can't live waiting for a phone call.

I don't know what to think...

I really wish that I could read her mind. Then maybe I could understand what is holding her back. All I can do is make educated guesses, and so far that has given me no reasurance at all.

When I add up all that I see in her actions and in her lack of action, it tells me that she is still in love with him. And as long as she is still in love with him, she will never commit to me.

But do I really want to be only second best?
Can I live out my remaining years with her knowing that her being there was the doing of another man?

I need to call Pete. If I'm not around she might be able to either pull the knife out........or push it all the way in.

Either way, it will be progress.

A day at the beach.

We took the family and the neighbors to the beach today. We went to Silver Sands State Park in Milford. It was fun. All the kids had a good time jumping in the water and digging in the sand.

Deb seemed different today. I don't know what was different, I can't put my finger on it, but something was diferent. Maybe she is finaly understanding what needs to be done and is having trouble mulling it over in her head. But that is probabily just wishful thinking. Part of me thinks she will never do what needs to be done. That same part thinks she will only put on a happy face and tell me to smile.

I'm in a realy tough spot...

Today she was very attentive and affectionate. It gives me a wanted, hopeful feeling inside. But it also puts me in a very hard spot. If I act all happy and smilly, she is going to think that all I am looking for is sex. And If I still look as sad as I still feel inside, she is going to think that there is no hope and grow more distant. How do I tell her that her effort is appreceated and welcome and also tell her that she is stil missing the cause of the sadness.

Let's say you had a knife stuck in your back. Now, there are two ways you could go about fixing the problem.
1. You could treat the symptoms by taking pain killers and wipe up the blood.
2. You could treat the cause by puling the knife out first. Then using the pain killers and wiping up the blood. Both of these solutions will give you immedate relief, but only one will cure the problem forever.

In order for me to start a real recovery I need her to first pull out that knife.
I need to know, in no uncertan terms, that it is over with him.
I need to know that she is never going to contact him again.
I need to know that if he calls or tries to contact her, that she will not respond. That she will willingly choose to stay with me.
I need to know that I am her knight in shining armor. That I mean to her what she means to me.

Then, and only then, will the pain killers (affection and sex) have a lasting effect twards recovery.

So how do I do it? How do I let her know that I love what she is doing, but it will not help as long as the knife is still there? How do I tell her that pretending that everything is OK will not fix anything? How do I do this without making her feel unappreceated?

I'm realy starting to think that it is hopeless.

Why do I keep finding these notes all over the place? Is she trying to tell me something that she doesn't have the courage to do herself?

I mean, when you stop and think about it, it makes sence. It explains all the little signs that I keep seeing. The emails and IMs. The visit to his store. Her lack of feeling and desire. The love notes tucked away for safe keeping.

I have yet to find anything writen down that says how mush she loves and needs me. Will I ever see anything that shows how much she is willing to do for me, for us? What did I do to deserve this torture. An affair is one thing but the pain I'm living with now is 100 times worse. The constant uncertanty. How she says one thing to me and writes down another for herself. God Damn it, I wish it was over. I wish she had the courage to have told me from the start.

My heart is telling me to stay and do whatever it takes but my head is telling me to run like the wind and never look back. Just jump in my Jeep with nothing but the clothes on my back and head west as far as the money will take me and then look for a job and try to start over. And my head is getting louder and louder every day. It's is getting harder to ignore. If only I didn't love her so much. If only there was a way to know for sure if she still thought of me as her husband and lover, or if she is hoping that someday she will learn to love me again.

I've been trying so hard to show her how much she means to me.
How much I love her.
How much I need and want her.

But it seems to be falling on deaf ears. When is she going to see that this can't be fixed by putting on a happy face and pretending that nothing is wrong.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night.
I'm tired of waking up and wondering if today is the day that he will call and tell her that he still loves her.
I'm tired of feeling alone when she is sitting right next to me.
I'm tired of feeling sick in my stomach whenever I see a love scene on TV.

When will it end?

I need it to end soon.......

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Dad.

Even though it's been nearly a year, not a day goes by that I don't still miss you. Every day something manages to remind me of you, and all the things that I still wanted to do with you. All the things that I never got the chance to say. How much I loved and admired you. Even though it wasn't until the last 10 years of your life that I realy got to know you, it makes me feel like I missed out on most of our life together. My life is left with and empty hole that may never be filled.

I love you Dad..

Happy Birthday.

Went to the Park...

We went to the park for a couple hours. It was HOT, but only in the sun. The shade was nice and there was a light breeze blowing so it wasn't to bad. I held Snoopy while Gina and Casandra played on the slide and the swings. The boys spent most of the time in the skate park riding over the jumps.

I tried to have a good time but I stil could not get my mind off her. She is in my thoughts constantly. The pills help some, without them I don't think I would be able to even smile.

I'm in a real pickle. On one hand I want to appear happy so that she will not be discouraged. But, on the other hand I don't want her to think everything is OK. There are still some things that I NEED her to do. But I can't just make demands. That will just push her away even farther. And If she does what I need because I aksed her to it will not have the same meaning. I need her to do them of her own free will, because she is comitted to me, and because it is what she wants to do. If it is done for any other reason it would be meaningless.

I know in my heart that I have forgiven her for what she has done before March 4th. But I am still trying to forgive for all she has done after. The last two weeks have been a living hell. Knowing that she was still trying to contact him even after all the work I have done to make our house a happy home. How could she take my heart and crush it like that. And then she tries to make me feel guily for looking over her shoulder. Well....Guess what....I don't feel guilty in the least. If I haden't found out on my own she would never have told me about it. It would have been just another in a long list of secrets.

Will she ever stop keeping things from me?
Will she ever be completely honest with me?
Will she ever try to earn my trust?
Will she ever stop trying to get back into his circle?
Will she ever be able and willing to dedicate herself to me?

.....or am I just wasting my time.....

This would be soo much easier if I didn't love her so completely. If I didn't love her so much I would be able to just walk away and try to start a new life.

But I can't.

I can't just give up.

Happy Face...

Yesterday I had an easier time of looking happy, putting on a happy face you might say. The pain is still fresh and she never had a good explaination. She is still mad at me for "looking over her shoulder" but what else am I supposed to do. It's not like she has given me a reason to trust her yet. She has not ended it with him yet. I know she is not having a relationship with him but I think she wants to. I think she still sees him as her knight in shining armor, her savior. And that is why she wont end it. She wont even read that paper I printed for her.

I hope I can find something to pass the time today. With her gone all day with her parents, I have nothing to do but think. Right now my mind is racing, in overdrive. Maybe, Gina and I will take the kids to the park, that will help.
Kill a few hours hopefully.............
Bye Bye for now.........

No Big Deal...

We talked again lastnight. I tried to let her know how much it hurt that she went to see him. She still thinks it is no big deal but to me it was like another affair. I hope she understands what I need and is willing to make an effort. Time will tell. I need to know that it is over. I need to know that she will not try to contact him.

My Head Wont STOP

I don't know why I can't get it out of my head. To her it's nothing. Just out looking for advice about fleas. To me it's a betrayal. The ultimate betrayal.

I need to find a way to shut my fucking head off before I go mad.

Tired...

Real tired this morning. Only slept about 2 1/2 hours. The damn TV with the news about the bombing in London kept me awake. I feel bad for the people in London, but if you don't have anything new to say, SHUT the FUCK UP. They just keep telling you the same story over, and over until you become numb to it.

The pain from Friday is STILL hard to hide, but I need to try harder. Something is bothering her and I think my looking sad is making it worse.

I have to try to imagine a better time, off in the future. A time when this is all a distant memory, and the only thing that matters is our love for each other. A time when I will not question her motives. I know in my head as well as my heart that we will get there. We just have to learn how to talk to eachother and know each others needs better.

I keep telling myself that I can't worry about things I can't control. I need to stop trying to make her love me. I need to consintrate on making myself a better person. Someone who is more attractive to her. Someone she can't stand to be without. That is the only way to a happy ending.

But it is so hard to break the cycle of saddness. I keep seeing her reaching out to him and it discourages me to the point of depression and it's too much to hide.

Talked Again...

Well....we talked again today. I want to think that she understands what I'm trying to say, but I still don't know for sure. It still scares me that she is unable to show any passion twards me. Maybee it's because it can't be faked. I need to know that she loves me as a husband and not a brother. I think I've said all I can say to her. Anything else will just be redudnant.

I still can't believe that she went to see him. Will it never end? Will she ever be able to tell him the truth (or at least the version of it that she's been telling me)? He still thinks that we are seperated, desined for divorse. Will I ever know for sure?

All I know for sure is how I feel twards her. I have so much love for her that it is causing me to be blinded. I can't even imagine life without her. But I will not share.

New Van...

We got the van today, and Deb already got it registered before I even woke up. It seems pretty cool. Runs good and the cruse works. Lots of room for the kids.

Having a hard time being up beat today. Don't know what she is thinking but something is on her mind. I hope she can send me some kind of sign soon that she is not just waiting for him to call for her. The pain from Friday is still fresh and hard to hide. I don't know what to think of it. She gave me some story about wanting to talk to his uncle, but I know she wanted to see him. It's like she is trying to inch her way back into his circle. Meanwhile she is sending me the signal that I am a stepping stone to her "new life". Something to be used and cast aside once she doesn't need a place to stay.

Maybe I'm all wrong and she really does want to spend the rest of her life with me. Nothing would make me happier. But then why is she saving all those love letters she wrote to him, begging him to take her back? Why did she print his picture and the IM conversation that day? And the blog?

Eventually.....Some day....someone is going to hear the truth from her. It's either going to be him hearing that she loves me and how we've been together through it all, and are going to do whatever it takes to get through it. Or it will be me hearing that she can't live without him and is going to do what ever it takes to win him back. I just hope whoever gets the truth, that it's soon.

I wish she was strong enough to have been honest with me from the start.

I wish she came to me before the affair and told me that she was thinking of a divorce.

Maybe I should go live with Pete for a while. Maybe if I'm not here, she will not feel smothered.

God.....I just want the pain to stop!!!!!

When?

When will she open up to me and be truly honest?

I'm getting tired of waiting.

Is she ever going to be wiling to let go of him?

Will the sneaking and lying ever stop?

Maybee I should just go.