Monday Blues...

Yesterday, I had a really bad case of what I’ve been calling “Monday blues”. But when I got home she was able to pick me up, and dust me off.

Today I feel almost as blue as I was yesterday. I was up early to watch the boys when she went to work. I didn’t mind. I figured that I could take a short nap when she got home, but she is still not here. She called and said there was a problem with the runs at work and she was going to stay and help get it straightened out. I just wish she were home with me so I didn’t feel so alone. I don’t really understand how she can help there anyway.

Up and down weekend...

This weekend started out pretty shitty. I finaly confronted her about her viewing his web site. She said that she did not "contact" him so she thought there was no harm done. This really sent me through the roof. All that was going through my head was that she needed to see that he was still out there. Waiting for the right time to call her back to him. Sure, she is right. She did not "contact" him. But why did she go there?

Thursday night, I was livid when I left for work. I got to work on time and started working on the ATRS block, but I knew I shouldn't. I was in no state of mind to be doing a job like that. So, sure enuff, I chipped it. So I left work early, and got home about 3am. When I got up, I was still too pissed to talk to her. So I went to the car wash pissed too. The whole time at the car wash, the only thought in my head was, why did she go there? The only thing that made sence was that she needed some sence that he was still out there and doing well. And that made me more pissed and scared that she will never let go of him.

About an hour after I got home I finally had calmed down enuff to talk to her. We ended up talking about the same things. Why won't she do anything I asked? Why do I keep digging up the past? How do I know she is sincere? Will I ever get over it?

At the end of it all, after talking for about three hours, we somehow managed to get eachother into a better mood, and agree to help eachother.

Saturday we went tubing down the farmington river at Satan's Kingdom. I don't care what she says, that water was "Fuckin'" cold. But the ride was fun. The rapids were a little lack luster due to the lack of rain. But it was a fun day. The only bad spot was Zack going so far ahead of everyone that I had to paddle like a madman to try and catch up to him, but I was too slow. We finally caught up to him at the end, where the bus gave us a ride back.

After the tubing adventure we stopped at aunt Sharon's house to check out her tag sale. From there we all went over to uncle Al's house to go in the pool. I swear to you this. I have never been in a pool that warm in my life. The water was 92deg. It was about 5deg. hotter than the air. When you got out of the pool, the air actuall felt cold to the point that it gave me goosebumps. Later that night, we went back to uncle Al's to play cards with more of the family. Well, we got to bullshitting so much we never played any cards. But we had a hell of a time just telling eachother stories and such. Found out some rather interesting things about Marcy, but I don't think I need to go into that here.



I just hope that she realizes how hard she is makeing it for me to trust her. I wish that she could understand how much it hurt to see her looking for him again.

But I will pledge to her right now that I will do my best to not bring up the past, as long as she does her best to show me that I am her first choice.

Lonely

Today was, over all, pretty shity. But I can't honestly say it was anyone's fault other than my own. What kind of pussy have I become that my wife can't go shopping with her friend without it sending me into a depression. I felt like such an asshole all day, because I could not shake the lonely feeling. I knew it was stupid and unjustified, but I could not shake it off. It wasn't until I got to work and was talking to her on the phone that it started to ease. I started to feel like I did the other day, when I was upbeat and happy. God, I hope my emotions settle down soon, this is starting to really bother me. I long for the days when I had not a care in the world.

I hope tomorrow is better.

Empty...

I don't know why, but today I've been fighting off a big empty feeling. It's hard to discribe. I feel like it is harder to smile and laugh. I don't exactly feel sad. It's wierd, but I don't like it. Maybe it is because I didn't see her much today. I slept real late, and once I was up, I was working the grill and such, and she was inside getting things ready for supper. I mean, we were together the whole day, but it felt real short.

Hopefully....Tomarrow will be a better day.

Another endless Monday...

Well.... It is officially Tuesday, but to me it still feels like the tail end of Monday. But yesterday was not TOO bad. The car wash was slow so I closed it about 40min. early. Got home and lit the new grill. I cooked up some burgers and dogs. But then it was time to go to work again.

On the way home from the carwash, I started feeling sad again, but I don't know why. Usually there is a thought or a question in my head that sends me over the edge but there was none. After I got home it started to go away, but it took some time.

I've started notesing a new sparkel in her eyes lately. Her attitude seems less like an act and more like genuine good feelings. That gives me a good safe feeling inside. It's a big help. I was able to sleep pretty good lastnight.

I know we have a long way to go, and some big issues left to work out, but I've been feeling a lot better about it. I wish we could manage to get a little more time for ourselves. It seems to get a little harder each day to say goodbye when it is time for work. I feel like some stupid high school kid out on a date. But it hurts to say goodbye. I always want just one more kiss, one more long embrace, one more "I love you". It makes me feel childish, but I can't help it. When you think about it, it's really silly, the things that love makes you do.

Tomarrow is another day. I'm betting it will be a good one.

Closure?

We had a long talk last night. I did not get anything I was looking for in the way of answered questions or closure. But at the same time I am filled with the hope that , together we can make it work. I'm still very scared of getting pushed down again, but I have to try. There is far to much love in my heart for her. I can't just walk away.

On the lighter side...

Went to the Bridgwater fair today with the wife and kids. No neighbors this time, just the family. We had a good time, looking at all of the livestock and the different types of chickens and ducks. I bought a ring for Deb at the Pick-A-Pearl booth. She got to pick an oyster out of the tank and the guy pulls it apart and takes the pearl out of it. Then we had it set into a ring. Also, Bobby was in the tractor pull. Well...He was supposed to be in the pulls, but Robert tripped and fell into the hot exhaust of the tractor and took a trip to the emergency room. All turned out OK for Robert but Bobby did not have a chance to register for the pull, so he had to watch like the rest of us.

Bought a new charcoal grill at WalMart today. Took me about an hour and a half to get it put together. Took so long that the wife made the burgers on the stove, 'cause the kids didn't want to wait for daddy to finish.

Nothing to report.

Well... It's been a couple days, and there is still no word from her. I don't know what she needs all the prep time for. The truth is there at a moments notice, but a good lie takes time to tie all the ends together.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself by thinking she will ever tell me the truth. The more I think about it, the more I think that she will tell me anything to make me feel beter, but never follow through.

My friend and his wife had a big fight this weekend and she is now staying at her mom's. I would like to feel sorry for them and offer them advice, but there situation seem so childish. All they really have to do is find a compramise that will make them both happy, and stick to it. They don't have a tenth of the shit that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Their situation just, to me, seems so simple, and easy by comparison.

So here I sit. Breaking my one promoses again. I promised myself that I would not wait any longer. Yet here I sit. I feel so weak and helpless. I don't even have the backbone to march up stairs and demand the answers that I desirve. I feel so small.

Thing need to change, and they need to change TODAY!

A new begining?

Today I tried to exlpain to her how I feel about her efforts. I told her that all the "I love yous" and the extra attension is much appreceated, however it falls short of addressing the cause. It is just a painkiller for the symptoms. I explained to her that these efforts started at a time when I know her heart was in a different place, so there is nothing to tell me that it is any different now. I think she understands.

She agreed to "Spill the beans" so to speak about the affair. I think she will get as much out of it as I will, if not more. I think it will take a great weight of her shoulders once she tells me the true, complete story. She said she needed some time to get her courage up to tell me, but it would not be long. I told her I would do my best to wait patiently. I know I will be able to wait a day or two, but not much longer. I think once it is all out in the open and all the questions are answered truthfully, we will finaly be able to make some real progress. I'm really looking forward to feeling like we are moving forward. I know that this is not a cure, but it is a necessary first step in that direction.

With any luck, my future posts will all be of happy news...

Sadness to frustration...

I'm really starting to feel like a broken record. Why did I even think that this time would be any different? I keep telling her what I need and I always get the same answer. NO! And slowly my mood has changed from sadness to frustration. Frustration at how she tells me how badly she wants to help me and finaly pull the knife out of my back, yet she still says no. Maybe it's time to rethink this whole situation. I've been waiting 6+ months for some closure, yet I still have none. I need to end the pain and frustration. I can't wait for her to do it any longer.

I need to end the pain...

It started as a talk...

We started to talk the other night, but it quickly turned into a shouting match. I feel bad that I yelled, but at the same time I'm not sorry for what I said. I feel torn between pushing her to give me what I feel I deserve, and the pain I see in her eyes. I just want her pain to stop, but at the same I can no longer neglect myown.

I need her to know why I asked for what I did in my last post. There are basicly three reasons that drew me to it.

1. It is the only thing that can't be corrupted. Either by my asking for it or by any outsiders.

2. Hopefully, it would give me some sort of closure. Not as much as knowing it was over, but closure, if in a lesser degree.

3. I think the biggest thing I was looking for was her ability to tell me. I think that is the thing that I was looking for the most. For her to finally be able to get all the cards on the table, and free herself of the guilt.

That is what I am looking for.

And now I am filled with the frustration of going through all the pain of a fight and coming out with nothing more than I went in with. I wanted to explain why I asked for what I did today, but she seemed in such a good mood, and was having fun. I didn't have the heart to ruin it. But now I am paying the price for my neglect.

Trust!

The past few days we've talked a lot about trust and my lack of it. She keeps telling me that she is not waiting for a phone call, but I keep finding things that tell me different. I've been asking for her to do something that will show me that she is being honest with me when she tells me this, but she says she doesn't know how. She has asked me to tell her what to do. I told her that, if I have to tell her, then it is not coming from her.

I could think of a few ways that she could show me. But all of these will mean nothing unless it is from her.

1. She could write him a letter, telling him that she will never talk to him again. And that we have been together through it all.

2. She could arrange a meeting with the FOUR of us. Including Stacy (or whatever her real name is). The four of us could discuss what happened and collectively "take it to the curb".

3. She could call him on the phone, so that I could listen to the conversation.

4. She could give me a way of contacting Stacy. So I could talk to someone in the same position as me and we could compare notes, so to speak. Someone with no reason to lie to me.

Any one of these things would have given me a foundation to build on. A way to start trusting. It would have shown me in an undeniable way, that she is indeed committed to us.

But she has done and will do none of them. Why? The only reason I can come up with that she hasn't is that he still thinks she is single and waiting. But don't think that I just came up with this due to depression or being pessimistic. I get it from the notes that I find, where she tells of her TRUE feelings.

But don't take my word for it. Let me give you an example.

The following quote is from a note written some time after the first of June. That's about 5 months after my finding out about the affair, and her telling me that she was completely dedicated to me.

"Trying to forget all the pain in my heart. Showing on he outside that I'm back to normal. But what is normal when all I do is think of him? Every turn I take something reminds me of him, a song, a marker plate, a car, everywhere I turn he is there! Everyday I relive it all, everyday I wish he did not break my heart, everyday I regret that I broke his. No words could take back the pain we caused. I just hope someday he will forgive me and this pain will stop. I lost him as my friend and that to me means so much more. He will be in my heart for the rest of my life no matter where I am or what I do. He will hold a special key to my heart, the same key he has had for manny, manny years!"


After reading this, how am I supposed to feel? I feel like she is expecting me to just forget it and carry on like nothing is wrong.

There is one thing special about the truth. It never needs an explanation. When you hear a true story, you are left with no unanswered questions. Usually a little light will go of and you think to yourself "O, it all makes since now".

See, this is what I think happened, based on what I've found out on my own.

1. She starts having an affair some time in the beginning to the middle of Dec. And for the purposes of clarity when I say affair I mean a sexually active relationship. And just as an added bonus, she created her mrstruckkiller account on my birthday. Nice present!!

2. I think she left my kids home alone after going to sleep, so that she could see him. More than once.

3. They made plans to marry, and even picked out rings.

4. I think she had sex with HIM on Valentines Day and told me a story about a doctor’s visit to make me wait. I also think that she went as far as shaving her pussy and dyeing her hair for him.

5. I think she went away with him for the weekend in Feb. Maybe the two of them went to RI, or maybe they got a hotel room somewhere, or they could always have just stayed in MY FUCKING HOUSE. After all I wasn't there to get in the way.

6. I think he broke up with Stacy in the beginning of Feb. and was upset that she didn't follow suit by separating with me.

7. I think she never knew Stacy any better than I knew Bob. He sent her a picture so she could see what she looked like.

8. At some point in the affair (I think it was a few days after I found out) he asked her if she still loved me. She said yes, but that is not what she meant. She meant that she loved me as a brother, but he heard that she was still "in" love with me. At that point the affair was effectively over. He stepped away to let her reconcile with me, but that is not what she wanted. She wanted to be with him. They continued to talk on the phone every morning, but he grew increasingly distant. Whenever the topic of their relationship would come up he didn't want to talk about it. He started getting hostile and would call her names and finally told her to stop calling. But she still carries a torch for him, to this day.

So. Riddle me this Bat Man! Where do I sand? On the surface she is very sweet and loving toward me. But if you look a little deeper you see a big empty.

Since I found out I have been putting all of my effort into being the husband she needs and deserves. I have written poems, given flowers and cards for no reason other than I love her. Every card she got was filled with my feelings. I would always write a personal note in them to tell her how much I love her. For Mother's Day I gave her a card from the boys, a small gift and a card filled with my love. On our Anniversary I gave her, her favorite flowers and a small gift and a card filled with my love. For our Anniversary I received two cards with the words "Love Deb" scrawled inside. Nothing personal, nothing telling me how much she loves me. For Father's Day I received a small gift from the boys and a card from the boys and nothing else. Nothing from her.

So now I sit here thinking to myself that maybe she will really try this time. Even though there is nothing to show me this, I still feel it. And I was left the task of telling her how.

Well.... the only thing that comes to mind would be for her to tell me the WHOLE, TRUE story of what happened. Tell me so that all of the questions are answered and I get that light in my head. I want to be able to say to myself "OK. Now it makes since".

But I don't know if she can do it. I can already here her saying "You know everything already". Well, if that was true, then why all the notes? Why does she get pissed at me for looking over her shoulder? I think she has sworn by so many lies that she is afraid to come clean.

Hopefully...She will prove me wrong.    

Looking Back...

I spent a little time looking back today. One thing I've learned more than anything else is how easily she can cover up her real feelings and not let them show. This is one of the things that is making it difficult to accept her at her word. Not that I don't want to. But when someone tells you something, and later you find out it was a lie. Then they tell you the same thing and say that they mean it this time, then you later find out that this too, was a lie. And all the while this person was doing her best to act like nothing was wrong. Where does that leave you?

It leaves me torn. My heart is pulling me to accept what she says as truth. But my head is telling me that it is just the same story. So I look to her for help. I look to her to show me that she is telling me the truth. But all I get is the same story.

Trust is the most important part of any relationship. I feel that I have proven to her my willingness to trust her. I did this in a way that can't be denied or explained away. It wasn't easy, and it still scares me a little, but I did it to prove to her that I CAN trust her. And once the new cheques come in the mail, she can carry with her a reminder of just how willing I am to trust her.

How much longer should I wait for my reminder? I've been waiting for more than six months now. She says that she doesn't know what to do. I tried to tell her what to do, but that just made it meaningless. So I told her to forget it. She needs to do it on her own, and because it is something she wants to do.

Without trust........there's nothing.

A weekend at Ma's

Friday we went up to my mother's house in western NY state. It's about a 6 hour ride, but with the van, the boys each get their own seat. So, it was almost painless. I don't think I had to yell back at them once for the entire ride. We arrived about 9:30 pm friday night so we just said hello and went to bed.

Saturday we went to the pool, and met my sister there with some of her kids. We had a great time. I think it was the first time my boys were in a pool that deep, with a diving board. They both did very well. Swimming like troopers.

Sunday, we went to my brother's house for lunch, then we all went to Stony Brook State Park. An awsome park. There is a stream/river that you walk up in and come to several waterfalls. The water is not very deep but in a few places it is raging quite well. The kids had fun standing under the falls and sliding down some of the naturally formed water slides.

When we got home from Stony Brook, it was time to head over to Havah's graduation/going away party. It was pretty fun. Lots of people, most of whome I didn't know. But there were lots of desserts, and all the people were friendly.

Monday we didn't do much. Sat around Ma's in the morning, had some lunch, took a nap. We were going to stop by my sister's house for a quick goodbye, but we ended up staying for supper. We made homemade pizza and sat around in the backyard, just chit chatting, and playing with the kids and the dog untill 8:30pm. Then we headed home.

All in all, it was a fun weekend.

As for my relationship problems...........

Last week we had two serious talks. I have yet to see any changes. I guess she needs some time to think about it. I wish she would give me some sort of indecation as to what she is thinking. Is she trying to comeup with a way to show me that she wants to be here? Is she thinking about trying to rebuild some trust? Or is she just trying to put it off as long as she can? I just don't know. The only thing I do know is that I can't trust her any more today than I could a week ago. I wish that would change! Maybe.....some day she will come to me and want to talk. Want to tell me what she is thinking. I can't go to her anymore. I've told her everything there is to tell about me.

Time will tell, I guess........ I just wish it didn't take so long.

Two days at Nanna's and a little guilt...

We all went over to Nanna's house for the second day in a row. She has a pool, ya' know. It's been god awful hot and humid the last few days. I can't wait for summer to end. I love the cold of winter.

I feel a little guilty today for the way I talked to her last night. I got a little firm with her, and I hate when I do that. But at the same time it needed to be done. She needed to understand that from where I am sitting she has done nothing to help me trust her, and has actually made it worse.

In her blog she mentioned something about opening up the details that she has kept botteled up. That may help if it is done right. If it is a two way "conversation", not an arguement. I don't need to fight about things that happened that long ago. But also I think that a one way diologue, like a letter or note, would leave a lot of questions unanswered. And therefore be of no help. Also durring this conversation I need to have that moment, where a light bulb goes of in my head, and I say to myself, "Oh. I see. It all makes sence now". Because right now, there are just too many loose ends. Too many things that make no sence at all.

I think that she'll find that instead of it being a horrable, gut wrenching experience, That she'll get a relief. A lightening of the load that she is carying. To finally get it ALL out in the open, so that we can BOTH "take it to the curb", I think, will make her feel a lot better about her self.
Granted... This would in no way be a cure all for our problems, but it would be a step in the right direction.

Up early...

Had to get up early this morning to wait for the gas man. So I was up at 10:30 and I sat out at the picnic table until about 12:30. I went through a whole pot of coffee, and I was losing the shade. So I went back inside. Well, wouldn't you know, he showed up about 10 min. later. So after that I went back upstairs to see if I could get a little more sleep, but I didn't get much. By this time the heat and humidity are picking up so my pillow kept getting wet from the sweat on my head. That and I think there is something about the pillow, every time my head hits it , my mind starts racing. But more about that later.

After my little nap, we all went to Aunt Janet's so I could take a look at her computer for her. She called me this past weekend and told me that she saw smoke coming out of it and unplugged it. I told her that it was probably the power supply, and it should be easy to fix. Sure enough, it was a faulty power supply. After a brief struggle locating a replacement, it was up and running in no time.

By this time I had barely time to get a quick shower, and head off to work. I saw Lissa Lissa at Texaco and talked to her for a little bit. Then I saw Michelle, and talked to her for a little bit. By the time I got to work, I was 15min. late. I HATE being late.

As for the things that keep me up at night, I still don't know what to do. The things I see her doing make me feel good about the relationship. They make me see that there is hope. But it is the things that I don't see that keep me up at night.

I don't see her doing anything to rebuild the trust. She has NEVER told me anything that I hadn't already found out on my own. I know for a fact that if I hadn't found out about the phone calls and the visit, she would not have told me (weather she saw him or not, she still tried to keep it from me). That is the hardest thing to get over. I'm trying to get over it, but I have nothing to go on. All these months after this hell started, she is still keeping things from me.

I hate Mondays

Because of my new work schedule, Mondays feel like a very long day. They actually stretch out and effect three days. I work 3rd shift now. That means that my Monday actually starts on Sunday night. The problem with that is that I can never sleep in on Sunday morning. So I wake up too early and go about my day. Then when it feels like it's time for bed, It's really time to go to work. But it doesn't stop there. After working an 8 hour shift, I go home to sleep and get up to go to the car wash. Then when I'm done at the car wash I have only two hours to spend with my family, and then It's back to work again. By the time what feels like Monday, is over, it's actually Tuesday morning. But enough of that.....

The one thing Mondays give me more than anything else is time to think. Today I was thinking about the talk we had the other night. And I started to think that I ruined it. I started asking for what we talked about back on May 7th I think. It was the very first post in this blog. I wanted to tell her tonight on the phone to forget all about what we talked about. It won't work.

It won't work because she doesn't want to do it. If she does it it will be because I asked her to. Not because it is something that she wants. I don't know what to do. I need to know that she chooses me, but if she does something just because I told her to, that doesn't prove anything. She could have done something back in May. She could have done something in June. Hell, She could have even done something in July. But she didn't.

A day of hope?

Today was a ground breaking day. I think we made some real progress toward recovery for the first time. As I stated in my previous post, I have finally seen her making a real effort in the last two weeks. It seems like she is realy trying.

Also, we were finaly able to talk tonight, just before I had to leave for work. I think she not only knows what I need, but I think I was able to let her know why I need it. I think she can understand that I need to know it's over. That I need to know that I am getting the whole story. And that he knows the whole story as well. I know it won't be easy for her and it will take time, but the best things in life are worth waiting for. I am finaly feeling a little relief. I think that I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. And we are moving toward a real recovery for the first time.

Time will tell. At least I have something to look forward to. I haven't had that for a LONG time.