New Van...

We got the van today, and Deb already got it registered before I even woke up. It seems pretty cool. Runs good and the cruse works. Lots of room for the kids.

Having a hard time being up beat today. Don't know what she is thinking but something is on her mind. I hope she can send me some kind of sign soon that she is not just waiting for him to call for her. The pain from Friday is still fresh and hard to hide. I don't know what to think of it. She gave me some story about wanting to talk to his uncle, but I know she wanted to see him. It's like she is trying to inch her way back into his circle. Meanwhile she is sending me the signal that I am a stepping stone to her "new life". Something to be used and cast aside once she doesn't need a place to stay.

Maybe I'm all wrong and she really does want to spend the rest of her life with me. Nothing would make me happier. But then why is she saving all those love letters she wrote to him, begging him to take her back? Why did she print his picture and the IM conversation that day? And the blog?

Eventually.....Some day....someone is going to hear the truth from her. It's either going to be him hearing that she loves me and how we've been together through it all, and are going to do whatever it takes to get through it. Or it will be me hearing that she can't live without him and is going to do what ever it takes to win him back. I just hope whoever gets the truth, that it's soon.

I wish she was strong enough to have been honest with me from the start.

I wish she came to me before the affair and told me that she was thinking of a divorce.

Maybe I should go live with Pete for a while. Maybe if I'm not here, she will not feel smothered.

God.....I just want the pain to stop!!!!!