Busy Weekend...

What a busy weekend we had. And it started Friday. After coming home from the car wash, I took the boys to their scout meeting, at least it was a pack meeting this week so they were in the same place. When Deb finished getting ready for the party (shower, hair, and makeup) she came to the meeting to relieve me and I went home to shower, shave, shit, shine, and shampoo. When the meeting was over, we dropped the boys off at Nanna's and off to the party we went.

The party turned out to be a lot of fun. I even danced a few times, even though I am so white it's not funny. It might have had something to do with the drinks that I had. On the way home from the party, the five screwdrivers that Deb had started catching up with her and she fell asleep. I had to wake her up when we got home and help her inside. She was able to navigate the stairs, with a lot of guidance from myself. But she managed to get in bed and fall asleep without getting sick. Maybe due to the fact that she remembered to EAT FIRST. Yes, I'm poking fun at you, Amanda.

Saturday morning we got up and Deb felt fine, which was a bit suprising but turned out to be an asset due to the amount of things on the schedule. First we went to Walmart to get the annual, last minute Halloween costumes. Then we went to Nanna's to pick up the boys and drop Jake off at a birthday party. At this time we had a little time to relax. Deb went to a jewelry party with Gina, and I went to pick up Zack, and then Jake. Then I got to relax a little more.

Sunday we took the boys to a scouting event at Gunntown Cemetery. They did some rubbings and a scavenger hunt of sorts. They had a list of things to find like, the oldest grave and the newest grave, and such. Turned out that all the parents were doing the hunting and the kids were just goofing off. But what else is new. Then Deb and I went to a wake, which is never a fun thing to do. On Friday morning, Deb's father's best friend, a man he has been friends with all his life, lost his battle with cancer. It's tragic in that he was not that old. Only in his mid to late sixties. And also that we all lost a good family friend. The man that Deb and I got our van from, actually.

But enough misery. Did everyone remember to set their clocks back. Is that the single most assinane thing that we as a society do annually. I mean, just how stupid do you have to be to think that if we all change our clocks, that the days will somehow be longer. Wake up!!! There are the EXACT same number of hours in a day. Resetting our clocks is meaningless. WHEW..... Glad I got that off my chest. Now I feel refreshed.

The Jeep

Here are the 'after' pictures of my Jeep that I promised. I understand that the vast majority of my growing audience are lacking what is nessary to appreceate them, namely a penis, but I like them. And when you get down to it, that is all that matters. Enjoy.

That is Brad, trying to look cool. Note the awesomeness of the suspension modifications that were accomplished with my own hands. LOL

You can see the before pictures here.

What do I like?

Today I think I will post another list. I've been in a bit of a good mood, so I think I will post things that I like. This is by no means, a complete list, and in in no order.

6 Things I like to do.

1. Car Audio. I love installing it, listening to it, and dreaming up ways to improve it. I can't understand how anyone could go to a car stereo shop and pick out something and have it installed. Then there is nothing to take pride in. You didn't accomplish anything other than making your wallet thinner. My first complete install.


2. Video games. I love to play video games. But it has to be a GOOD game to keep me interested. Mostly I like driving type games. The latest one that I went crazy for was "Need for Speed Underground 2". I spent countless hours in front of the TV playing that one on the xbox. But alas, I had to get a second job, so the games took a back seat to that. Now that I don't really NEED the second job, my priorities have changed. So now I spend all my free time with my family, rather than hypnotized by the games.


3. Writing. I've really started to enjoy writing. Letting my thoughts flow from my head through my fingers and out to the page. Until very recently, this was impossible to me. I would sit down to write a simple note to the teacher or a birthday card, and spend ten or more minutes just staring at the blank paper. I have always had a desire to write, but I could never translate what was in my head into something that would be understandable. I've always had a good imagination, and could come up with story lines and plots, but was never able to put anything on paper. I would always just draw a blank. I don't know what I did, but I think I fixed it. What do you think?


4. Music. I love music in many different forms. I love to listen to it, and also to make it. I've played the guitar since the age of 8 or 9. I never took any lessons so I'm not nearly as good at it as I should be. My favorite thing to do on the guitar was to listen to songs on the radio and figure out how to play them. I think it was the challenge that always appealed to me, more than anything.


5. The outdoors. I enjoy just about anything you can do outside. I think this stems from my childhood. My favorite place to play as a child was in the woods. Every place we lived when I was young had a wooded area close by where I would spend most of my free time. Which, when you're a kid is most of the time. Still I like the traditional "outdoor" activities, hiking, camping, boating, and some not so traditional ones like dirt bike riding and four wheeling (aka muddin') in my Jeep.


6. Modifying automobiles. There is nothing more fun than taking a perfectly good car, and making it go faster, or farther, or more places. One thing that I learned at an early age is this. No matter how fast it is now, it could always be a little faster. I've done this it two completely different directions. One is with cars. Where the focus is horsepower and weight. You strive for more and more horsepower and less and less weight. The other way I've taken it is with trucks, or more specifically, Jeeps. With the Jeep the goal is ground clearance suspension travel and gearing. I'll have to post a picture of my Jeep after I made the suspension modifications. You can see the before pics, and the sound system install here.

I think that is about enough for today. I have the workings for another list tomorrow, but we'll see. Too much of anything is a bad thing.

Wondering...

Today, I think, I will write a list of things that I wonder about. In no real order other than the way they pop into my head.

• For years now, car company's and oil company's have been telling us that 80-90% of the wear in a car's engine occurs when you first start it. What I'm wondering is, why haven't they fixed it yet. It's not that hard to do. All you need is an electric oil pump, that would run before you start the engine. That way there will be enough oil pressure to support the hydrodynamic wedge between the moving parts. Problem solved! Well, then the cars would last too long, and people would not be buying new ones until they get up to like 500,000 miles instead of 100,000 miles.


• You know, earlier in the day, I had about 10 things that I was going to list here. What I'm wondering right this minute is, where the hell did all my ideas go? It's like the second I sat down here to write, they all disappeared. O-well. What can you do. I'll write them down next time so I'll be able to remember them.
  

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. To finally have some time with Deb, is what I've been needing, I think. Lately I've been feeling disconnected, for some reason. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I feel like nothing is real. None of my emotions, any way. I feel like my life is a movie and I am sitting in the audience watching. Getting sucked in a little (like a good movie will) but all the while still feeling separated from it. Does that make any sense at all? Maybe I'm on the fringe of insanity.

Snake in the boiler room...

When I got into work tonight, Dominic (the electrician) was waiting for me. He had a blue trash basket on my bench and was looking inside it. What was in it, you may be asking your self? A tiny little snake of unknown breed. All I could tell was that it had a wedge shaped head, which usually means that it is poisonous. And this little guy had a temper. Well I got a crappy pic of it with my phone.

We did some research on the web and found out that it is a baby copperhead (I'm wondering where mama is). No wonder he has such a temper. He is deadly, and knows it. I've been running around looking for a small clear container that we could keep it in, but no such luck. I think we will have to do the "right" thing and let him go. I think Dominic will keep him around 'till tomorrow, so he can scare the hell out of a few people first. 'Cause that's just the kind of guy he is.

I got a hot date Friday night. Deb and I are going to a Holloween party that someone from her work is throwing. Sounds like fun. Cash bar, Karokee, food, What more could any one ask for. O, Yeah, the boys are spending the night at nanna's house.

Is it possible to spread a cold over the internet? I'm starting to think that it is. I was reading an email the other day from my buddy in Oregon where she said that she was getting over a cold and WHAM. My nose is running, I've been sneezing constantly, coughing, and my sinuses are filling up as I write this. I don't know, it must be some kind of world record to spread the cold virus over a distance of 3062 miles, but I don't have another explanation for it.

Wilma is comming...flee, flee

Rain, rain, rain, will it ever stop? Another gloomy day has come and gone. And to think, in the summer we were complaining that the grass was dyeing due to lack of rain. I guess we are getting all the rain we missed in the summer. Well, at least I only had to cut the grass 3 times this year.

They are having a benefit dinner for Dave and his family. Deb got 50 tickets this morning and she is sold out already. It sounds like a good time. There is a pasta dinner, dancing, door prizes, and a raffle. We went up to Uncle Al's to drop off 10 tickets for his family and some extras for him to sell at work.

Spent another day at the car wash. I was there for two hours and not a single car came through. So I said "screw it" and closed up and went home. It started raining on my way home anyway, so it was no great loss. At least I got home in time to see my little princess. On Monday's Deb picks her up from day care, but she is usually home long before I get there.

Not much to write on such a gloomy day, everyone is cooped up in the house getting bitchier and bitchier. The remains of Wilma are supposed to combine with a nor-easter tonight and start clobbering us pretty good. Maybe the power will go out and I can leave early. I would much rather be at home tonight.

People that piss me off...

I've seen a lot of people put top ten lists on their blogs, and have decided to do the same. I just have been having trouble deciding what to list, and how many. Some list 10, some 100. Well, I think that 100 is just too much thinking for one day so I'll start small.

5 People that piss me off

1. Any person or persons who think their opinion is the right opinion. Opinions are just that, your thoughts. There is no right or wrong. Religion, I think is the best example of people who think their opinion is correct. If you look back in history, just about every war can be described as, to peoples combating over who has the best God. The crusades, is a prime example.


2. People who disregard the proper use of our English language. There are entirely too many examples for me to list them all, so I'll just give the one that bothers me the most. "Healthy" or "healthful". Healthy is a state of being that implies life. "How are you today?". "I'm quite healthy, thank you." Food, on the other hand is only healthy if it is still alive when you are eating it. Broccoli, green beans, eggs, or steak are not healthy. Why? Because their DEAD, that's why. They are very healthful, however, when eaten in moderation.


3. People who think a college degree, is synonymous with intelligence.In my line of work, I deal with a lot on engineers. A few of them are truly brilliant people. The rest, on the other hand, are about as smart as a sack of hammers. I got into an argument one day, with an engineer, over weather the "apex" was the high point or the low. I was on the high side. On more than one occasion I have asked engineers, "Did you pay for your degree?". After they answer "yes", I tell them "Well, you better go get your money back".


4. People who take advantage of other peoples lack of knowledge. I was in a tire shop in Virginia, on my honeymoon(long story). While waiting for our car to have new tires mounted, I over heard the service rep. talking to an elderly lady about the state of her brake system. Apparently, she brought her car in because it had a spongy brake pedal. Most likely caused by a leaking wheel cylinder. Well, this guy, or should I say slime ball, proceeded to tell this poor lady that she needed new wheel cylinders, drums and shoes in the rear. Also, new pads, calipers and rotors in the front. And a new master cylinder. As if this wasn't enough to make me retch. He also told her that she should replace the power booster as well. And his reason for suggesting the replacement of the booster was that it was a bad idea to have new brake fluid going through an old booster. The problem with this is that her car had a vacuum booster, as do most of the cars on the road. There is NO brake fluid inside a brake booster. So, when I got called up to the counter to get my keys, he had a long list of things they wanted to sell me. Before he could even look at the list, I said, rather loudly, "I heard that line of shit you sold to that lady over there." Then I pointed at her, and saw that she could hear me. Then said," So, put your list away and just give me my car back." Which he did. With a rather guilty look on his face.


5. People who don't take responsibility for their own actions. I got cut off on the road, the other day. I was just driving along and this guy pulls right out in front of me. And he had the balls to give me a dirty look and the bird to boot. WTF. I did nothing wrong, he did. But to make himself feel better he blamed it on me. How fucked up is the world when a lady can sue McDonald's because she spilled her coffee on her snapper. Now who's fault is that really. McDonald's? I don't think so. Just how stupid are the judge and lawyers that actually brought this case to court. And found the store at fault? It amazes me. How little common sense there is in the world today.
   

Saturday evening we went up to Hartford Hospital to visit Dave. My brother in-law who was in a bad car accident about 6 weeks ago. He is in a regular room now. They had him in a chair when we got there. He looked pretty good, considering that nearly every bone in his body was broken. He still has a brace in his pelvis that is sticking out if his belly. They are waiting until they can remove that brace for him to begin rehab.

As far as my relationship goes... I am doing my best not to think too much about it. I try to keep telling my self, "self, if she truly loves you, and wants to make it work, she will give you what you need on her own, and in her own time." The only thing I am having trouble deciding, is how long I should wait.

Saturday at work...

How counter productive is this. The thing I've been looking for most is to spend some quality time with my wife. Yet, here I am. At work on another Saturday. The only reason I agreed to work today is that Snoopy (my supervisor) told me that this would probably be the last one for a while. Well, I've made the decision tonight, even if they want me to work next weekend, I'm going to say NO! I usually get guilted into it because if I don't work, no one else can either. You see, the polishing machines we use are called "continuous polishers". They get started on Sunday night(my Monday) and they run all week. If I don't work Friday night (my Saturday) then they have to shut the machines down. Doesn't make much sense for the first shift to show up Saturday morning and spend 4 hours getting the machines running. Because of this, I always agree to work Saturday. Well, not for a while. If they can't work, well, fuck 'em. Some things are more important than optics.

Worked the car wash today. Business was painfully slow. Spent most of the time on my ass reading mags. When I got home Deb was making dinner. Pork chops and mashed potatoes. Fantastic! The chops were awesome. Of course, Jake didn't want any. He doesn't like anything that isn't potatoes or bread. That kid has the strangest appetite. I'm in the kitchen, some days, making sandwiches for everyone. I yell out "Jake, what do you want? Ham? Turkey? Balogna?" His usual reply is "Butter". His favorite is butter sandwiches. I don't know where he gets it from. I mean, he looks like a little clone of me. But, I personally would go for the Ham. Usually, when we go to Hometown Buffet. Jake will come back to the table with a plate full of mashed potatoes and french fries. Brad, on the other hand, will eat damn near anything. As long as it is ready NOW. He doesn't like to wait.

Another busy day...

Today turned out to be another busy day. Shortly after getting the boys from school I had to meet my ex wife at Zack's school for open house. Not very organized. When we first walked in the door, we told the "greeters" that he was in 6th grade, so they told us to go to the second door on the right. Well after listening to the teachers for about 10 minutes we discovered that we were in the 7th grade classroom. So we had to go to the other end of the school. When we get there, the room is full of people standing on lines to talk to one of the five teachers. So you were supposed to stand on line to talk for 5 minutes to a teacher, then stand on another line to talk to another teacher. What a cluster fuck. Basically, we learned that Zack is doing good in the classes he likes, Math and Science. And poorly in the ones he doesn't like, Reading and Social Studies (just like his dad).

I really hope we get a chance to do something for ourselves pretty soon. We have been so busy lately that we are starting to neglect each other. I've been seeing something in her eyes the past few days that I find puzzling. I don't know what to make of it. It made me feel good the other night when we burned the letters. But, on the other hand, I know there is more. I know she still has a picture of him.

I've been doing the best that I can, to give her what she wants. For us to be happy. I have been as smiley and as loving as I can, yet I think that she has forgotten that there is something that I told her I could not move forward without. I still feel as if I am hanging on the edge of a cliff with nothing to stand on. All I have been begging for is some solid ground to stand on.

A rather busy day...

Let's see, Gina met me at the school this afternoon to pick up Alex. I had a doctors appointment at 4:15 so I needed to hustle. On the way, I dropped of the boys with Deb. She was on the bus, parked in a church parking lot, burning the clock until it was time to go home. I made it to the docs just in time, and got the scrip for another three months of meds and two weeks worth of Allegra 180 samples.

Last week, Deb won a family four pack of tickets to an advanced screening of the new movie Dreamer on the radio (she was the lucky 10th caller). The movie stars Kurt Russell and Dakota Fanning(very cute little blond girl). It was pretty good, funny and interesting enough to keep the boys interested, but rather sappy. A story about a horse trainer and an injured thoroughbred. I don't want to give it away.

Over all, a rather busy day. Not a bad one by a long shot, but tiring none the less. I've been trying to re-learn HTML the last few days, and this is the first post that I am doing entirely from the HTML side of the editor. I have to say, it is a lot easier to get the text formatted just the way I want it now. But I still have a lot to learn. I would like to be able to make my own template. I think that is my new goal, to make my own templates. Let's face it, the few that they offer here are a little lacking in the style department. And they are all to narrow. The first thing I did to this template was to edit the width of the body.

Has anyone noticed my latest little bit of HTML modification. If you need a hint, try clicking on a "comments" link. Pretty cool huh. I thought so, and lets face it. On this blog, that is all that really matters. Yeah, I went a little nuts with the links today. But that's what makes it fun.

My Little Princess

Luckily, the rain stopped early this morning, so I was able to kick at least some of the kids outside today. Alex spent the whole day inside on the couch, watching movies and playing xbox. Brad and Jake went over to their friends house to play football. That just left my little princess (Kassandra) outside with me. She follows me around like a tail. But God, she is soooooooo cute.

Here is a couple of shots I took with my phone.














We had our bon fire today. She brought out all the things that she could find, anyway. After, I went in and found a few more, so we got rid of them too. There is one more thing in the house that I see every day that really bothers me. The thing is, she still swears that she was alone and got it for herself. But to me, I think it was a gift from him. And even if it wasn't a gift from him, she got it on their trip to RI.

All in all, I feel a little better. Before I found it hard to get to sleep. I felt like HE was everywhere, mocking me. Now that most of it is gone, It feels more like home.

Manic Monday

Another Monday has come and gone. This one was not that bad. With the beginning of October, the car wash goes to the "winter" schedule. That means that I get to go home an hour earlier. That works for me.

I just went outside for a smoke, and it's fucking raining again!! I hope this doesn't last. I have to watch the neighbor kids tomorrow after school, and it's going to suck if they are cooped up in the house all day. Not that I mind watching the neighbor kids, they are little angels, it's just too many people in my tiny house.

I asked her tonight if we would be having a bon fire soon. Meaning that we could destroy all of her keepsakes. She said that we could burn what she found, but she didn't find much. She said that she is having trouble finding the stuff because she was trying to hide it from herself. I don't know what to make of it. Hiding it from herself? It would occur to me that if there was something I didn't want around anymore, I would throw it in the trash. I can't see how hiding something from yourself does anything. I don't see how it is even possible.

Maybe, she wants me to tell her where the things are that I know about. Well, I can't do that. It would be too easy for her to just grab the stuff I know about and say that is all of it. There is no way that I know about all of it. I keep finding more.

I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

A few more things...

I've really gotten in to this HTML thing today. I've added a few new things since my last post. There is now a guest book (let's see who can be the first to sign it..LOL), and I also added a tag board near the bottom of the side bar. So, if by some miracle there is more than one person here at a time, there is a method of communicating. Or you can leave a quick note rather than a comment. Even if no one uses it, it sure has been fun figuring out how to make it work.

A bold new look..But the same great taste!

HOLLY SHIT, the rain finally stopped. I was beginning to think that I was living in Seattle. So in honor of this sunny day, I am sitting out on the picnic table making some changes to my blog. What do you think of the new look? I love sitting out side while playing on the computer. (the wonders of wireless networking) The only problem is that one of my dogs, Kisha Lynn, will not leave me alone. She thinks it is play time. This is the view I get from my seat. So the changes and this post are taking a little longer than normal.

Yesterday's trip to JFK went pretty smoothly. Only had to go around in circles about three times at the airport before we found him. It only took about 4 1/2 hours total, so we had time to rent a couple DVD's when we got back, and watched one (The Longest Yard) before going to bed.

Today has been a bit of a bummer so far. Deb took Brad to a birthday party. An all day party, so I've only seen her when she came in to wake me up and say she was leaving. Don't get me wrong, it's not that she is avoiding me or anything. There's just been a lot of shit to do lately, that's all. That's why I think we need to plan some time for ourselves. Some time for us to reconnect as a couple.

Run-a-round

Today was another "run-a-round" day. Run to get the boys from school, run to the scout store to get new badges and shirts, run to scouts, and finally run off to work.

Nothing to report on my marriage. With all the running around today, I hardly got a chance to talk to her. That's OK. Tomorrow we got roped into going down to JFK and picking up Deb's cousin's boyfriend. We'll have probably 6 hours together on the trip, that should make up for what we missed today.

Speakers and such...

Today came and went without much ado. After Deb got home I went grocery shopping (woooo). This weekend I have to remember to start working on the new sub cabinets for the car. I went to Home Depot the other day and scoped out how much the supplies would cost, and looked at what they had that I could use as a vent tube. I was hoping that they would have sonotube, but the smallest they had was 8" and that is a little to big. I could use it, but to tune the box to 36Hz the vent would need to be like 40" long. That is a little excessive. I think I'll end up using 4" PCV pipe. It's pretty cheap and about the right size. With a 4" vent, it would only have to be about 14" long. Much more doable. The Idea is to run the vent tubes out the top of the cabinets and through the rear deck of the cabin. That way the vents dump right into the inside of the car. Hopefully, this will eliminate the dampening that is created by trying to get the bass through the rear seat.

As for my marriage, there is not much to report. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Trying to seem happy. I hope this way, she'll be happier. Then maybe she will be able to give me what I need. Then I'll really be happier. Sort of an upward spiral, rather than the downward cycle of sadness that I've written about so frequently in the past. I also think that we need some "bonding" time alone. Some way for us to reconnect and build some happy memories. Maybe a weekend away or something. Or maybe just a weekend at home without the kids. Times like this I wish my mother lived closer (she's about a 6 hour drive away) so it would be easier to pawn off the kids at short notice.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day. Hopefully this rain will fuckin' stop soon. It's been raining for like 2 weeks straight.

More optimistic...

We had another long talk yesterday, that turned into an argument, that turned into her jumping into the van and speeding away. Once she came home, we talked some more. I think she was able to make some valid points of things in her behavior that I had not noticed. And I hope that I was able to make some valid points that will lead her to give me some proof. All in all, I do feel more optimistic than I did. I really want more than anything to move forward and leave all of this in the past where it belongs, but there are a few things that need to be taken care of first. One BIG problem we have right now is that our biggest needs are in conflict with each other. So when we have a serious talk we end up going in circles, saying the same things to each other over, and over again with our frustration growing with every round. Her biggest need is to move on and not look back. My biggest need is for her to prove to me that he knows that she is unavailable to him. Once I know this for sure I know I will have a much easier time with moving forward. But, she is unable to do this because she is afraid to look back to make it known to me. Because of this conflict, we have a very hard time relating to what the other needs. But, I do feel confident that together, we can learn more about each other. To the point that fulfilling each others needs is second nature and automatic. I feel myself looking forward, once again to a day when this is all a distant memory. Not forgotten, but seen more as a learning experience.

On a lighter note. I seem to have made a few new "internet" friends in the last few days. I want to say hi to Amanda and Stacy. Please feel free to comment on anything you like. Don't be shy. That goes for anyone else as well. Leave a comment. Tell me that I'm an idiot or a genius, either way, it's nice to know that someone is out there.

I have to end the pain!

What did I do to deserve this punishment?
What did I do to deserve this pain?
Why do I feel like I did something wrong?
Every day that goes by without her showing me, sentences me to the next level of hell.
The pain has to stop!
The punishment must cease!
I have to end the pain!

Trying to make sense of it all...

I've been spending a lot of time lately, trying to sort things out in my mind. Trying to make sense of it all. The trouble is, the more I think about our situation, the less sense it makes to me. All I wanted her to do was to show me that I had nothing to fear. But she can't seem to do it. The last episode was about the phone call I asked her to make. She said that it would be to painful to hear his voice again. That, in itself, gives me something to fear. It tells me that just the sound of his voice is enough to sway her back to him. It's enough to put doubt in her mind as to weather she is doing the right thing by trying to work on us.

About a week ago I asked her to do me a favor, but maybe that would be to painful as well. Maybe she doesn't want to lose all of the things that remind her of the life she could have had, if only she had answered that question differently. If she told him that she was no longer in love with me.

I don't know. Every day I think that maybe today will be the day that she shows me what I need to see. But every day my frustration level gets a little higher. I'm begining to see that the reason she can't show me that there is nothing to fear, is because there is something to fear. She can't prove to me that she is not waiting for a call because she is waiting for a call.

I don't know. It all boils down to that one fact. I don't know.

Today was a hard day. After I woke up and got the boys from school, it was off to the car wash. It was raining so I closed up early and went home. But then it was time to take the boys to scouts. I had almost no time with her today. That always puts me in a down and out mood. Thursday she did something really nice. When she got home from work she gave me a card. One of those "just because" cards. It made me feel special. It was nice to know that she was thinking of me.

I can feel the negative emotions welling up inside me lately. The last couple days I'm having a hard time looking happy and smiling. I keep thinking that I threw it all away because we could not stop fighting and that makes me feel like a door mat. Like she is walking all over me and ignoring the things I need her to show me. Why am I always the one that gives in? It gets a little harder every day.

Over all, today was a pretty good day. Jake actually did his homework without arguing. Deb brought home some more outdoor furniture. A table and three chairs. Now I think we have enough to have a rather large party.

I'm still feeling pretty scared most of the time. I think it is starting to sink in that I gave up on everything I needed, to stop the arguing. I kept telling her that I needed to know for sure that she was giving us 100%, and she kept telling me that what she was doing should have showed me that. I just feel like I'm fucking my self by giving up to quickly. I mean, I still don't know for sure. Yet, I can't take any more pointless arguing. Maybe once we get rid of the stuff hidden around the house, I'll feel a little better. I hope so.

Moving forward?

After a long and painful phone conversation on Sunday night (which she hung up on me three times), I've decided to do the best that I can to move forward. There are still a lot of things that scare me every day. There are still some things that I need her to do for me. But I figure, if she truly loves me the way she says, then she will do them with out argument. And if not, it was never meant to be. I just can't take another argument where we just go around in circles, not getting anywhere. But, I also can not ignore my own needs.

In the spirit of moving forward, I think it is necessary for her to go through the house, find all the little things that she has hidden away (letters, gifts, pictures, ect) and bring them to me, so that we can destroy them together. That way, maybe we can move forward without the daily reminders.

Lost and alone

I sit here at work, everything is done and there is nothing to distract my thoughts. I feel so confused. I don't know what to do. I see now that there is no way that she will ever see things from my side of the fence. Never see how many times she cried wolf, and what that does to me. Never understand how I can't take anything on faith anymore. How am I supposed to know that she is telling the truth this time instead of just telling me what I want to hear?

I spent about a half hour thinking of ways to end my pain. Whenever I get this low, I always seem to get the same vision in my head that brings me back around. A vision of my mother, talking to Bradley in a funeral home. Telling him bullshit about what a wonderful father he had instead of telling him the truth. That his father was such a pussy that he took the easy way out.

I don't know how to move forward. I know what I think I need, and so does she. I need proof that he knows that she is unavailable and not still waiting. I need to know that she is going to give us 100%. Not just when it is easy and convenient.

But what can I do?