The cycle of sadness

Things are starting to get a little clearer in my mind today. Not really clear but a little clearer. I see the perpetual sadness spiral that I am trying to break. It starts with me feeling a little down. She sees this on my face and it brings her down, which in turn makes me a little sadder. And so goes the downward spiral until we are both miserable. There has to be a way to break the cycle of sadness.

I see what she was saying about the therapist. She doesn't want to rehash the past, and I don't blame her. I think that I need to talk to someone though. So, if she decides that she doesn't want to go I think that I will. I need to learn how to talk to her about my feelings without it turning into an argument.

There has to be a way for us both to get what we need out of this relationship. I think my biggest need right now is security. And the only thing that makes me feel secure is when she makes me feel loved and needed. Her almost nonexistent appetite for sex is no help either. It's hard to feel secure when your wife is afraid to get too close for fear that you might want to have sex. I don't mean to say that sex is all I need, but I do need it. I don't know why. Some times I wish I didn't but I can't change that part of me.

Better days are coming........

A little help.

I just wanted to have someone to talk to. To help me sort through all the feelings I have. I thought she would be all for it. What a shock. Two months ago she was looking for a shrink, now all of a sudden she has this hatered. I don't understand.

Waiting for the signs...

The roller coaster seems like a memory now. Now I seem consistently low. I keep hoping that I will see something in her that will tell me that she is where she wants to be. I think these feelings started on our anniversary. When she gave me those cards, all I could think was that she didn't put any effort into it. It seemed like she stopped on the way to pick them up, and had barley enough time to scribble her name in them. Sure she had an excuse for not having a present, and she was still looking, but I haven't seen anything yet.

I just feel sad all the time. On the edge of tears. She sees this in my face and tries to cheer me up. But when she says "snap out of it" or "smile" it doesn't cheer me up. It tells me that she feels bad but doesn't want to put in the effort to find out what is really wrong.

I don't know. How can I tell her that I don't see an effort without making her feel bad? How can I continue without knowing for sure that she is committed to me and me alone?

maybe there is only one way to stop the uncertainty. One way to stop the pain.

The roller coaster ride

Some of the people that have tried to help in the groups that I have been in have told me that the next six months will be a roller coaster ride of emotions. Let me tell you that they are right. I expected to have good days and bad days, but lately its been more like good hours instead of days. I feel so confused all the time. When we are together I feel very good. When we are apart I have a very tough time. But it is not a matter of trust. I don't feel bad because I think she is running around with him or calling him. It's hard to put into words. It's like when we are together, I can see the smile on her face and it gives me some reassurance of her commitment and love. And I really need that constant reassurance.

This week I saw some things that really made me feel good. She was much more affectionate this week than before. That makes me feel that she is really trying to help me recover. On the other hand I have seen some things that make me wonder. Yesterday was our ninth wedding anniversary. When she got home from work I had flowers and a gift waiting for her along with a card that I wrote a short, personal note in. She had two cards for me. It wasn't the lack of a gift that made me wonder it was that in the cards, there was nothing but her name. No note. It made me feel like I was not worth the effort. There was nothing personal or special. I don't know it sounds like I'm being petty but it really would have meant a lot to me to get something that made me feel special.

I just hope that some day soon I can keep my emotions on an even happy level. I love this woman with all my heart and soul. I would willingly and happily lay down my life for her. I just wish there were words to describe it. Love doesn't feel strong enough.

But still I am on this roller coaster. One moment, I can think of nothing but her beautiful blue eyes, and the next I am obsessing about getting Stacy's phone number. One moment the only thing that matters is the smell of her hair, and the next I need to know what happened on December 9th. One moment the only thing that feels real is her hand rubbing my back, and the next I feel like smashing my truck into a brick wall to end the pain.

I don't know what to do. I need to talk to her. Not about the past but about the present and the future. I need to know if I am being supportive enough. I need to know if I am drawing her closer or pushing her away. I need to know what I can do to make her feel better about herself. But I am afraid to talk. I'm afraid that I will say the wrong thing and end up pushing her away. I'm afraid that she will see me as being in her face instead of just trying to love her the way she needs to be loved, and that is my reason for living. To love her the way she needs to be loved. If I can't figure that out, I can't see any reason to go on living.

What to do?

I just don't know....I saw something she wrote that said that I was "in her face" and the ones she "needed" to talk to were not there for her.

There are so many things that I need to talk to her about, but I feel that anything I say will push her back into his arms. I need to know how she really feels about us. I still feel like I am temporary. Like she is with me only untill he calls for her. In that same writing she said that she would wait for him. There original plan, as I read it, was for her to divorce me in the summer after the boys were out of school and get married by the first of the year. I guess I just have to wait untill summer and see. I may not feel really safe untill the first of the year. I just don't know...

There are things that , on the surface, look like signs of her desire to stay. But if you look a little deeper you can see more questions. She said that her willingness to move to NY should be proof. On the surface it is. But in my twisted mind I see another way for her to leave with less baggage.

I just don't know...I mind is on such a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment I feel closer to her than ever, and the next I could not feel more distant.

I felt the love.

Today was the first time in a while that I felt the love. We were at a relative's house and I was working on their computer. She actually reached out to hold my hand instead of the other way aroud. I felt wanted for the first time in days. Then later when we went out for lunch, she did it again. It really meant a lot to me.

When I went wrong

I think it all started about a week before I threw Dawn out of the house on October 20th. 1993 I think was the year, could have been 94 but I think it was 93 it was a Wednesday. What ever it really doesn't matter. At that point in my life she was really doing a number on my head. And it was then that I made a conscious decision that I would never let a woman get to me like that. I told my self that she was not worth it. That no woman was worth it. This attitude seemed to serve me very well at first. It took most of the pain out of the hell she was putting me through and I think that it drastically increased my recovery time after the separation.

But then I met Deb. She was so beautiful and full of energy. It wasn't long before I fell in love with her. But I stuck to my decision to not let her get too close. And as time went by, instead of slowly letting her in, I was drawing further and further away. But it was happening so slowly that I was unaware that anything was changing. I think it hit it's peak when my father died. At that point I was so shut off and distanced that I couldn't even let her comfort me in my time of need. And I held in all the pain and that made me pull even further away. It got so bad that I didn't even know who she was working with anymore. I didn't know about her doctors appointments or even look into the medical problems she was having. And none of this was her fault. She tried and tried to tell me what was going on, but I wouldn't listen... I wouldn't listen.

So....Now I look back at all this with clearer vision and wonder how I could have been so stupid? How could I have let such a wonderful woman suffer so? How can I ever hope to make it up to her? How can I prove to her that I am not the same person I was? How can I blame her for looking elsewhere for the recognition and support she so desperately needed and deserved?

Now I sit here a broken man. Broken of my own hand. Not knowing what the love of my life is really feeling. Is she willing to give me the chance to make it up to her? To be the husband she deserves? How can I tell her that she is the most beautiful person that I know without it sounding like I'm just trying to win her back?

Reminders

The other night I came home from work early to dish out a little whoopass on the boys. They were not listening to thier mother at all. I could hear it in her vioce that she was having a tough time dealing with the stress. After everyone was in a better mood we sat down to watch a movie. "Sweet Home Alabama" it was, one of my favories. Well the movie was about half over and I started geting little reminders in every scene right down to the guy's dog. Finally near the end of the movie I could not take it any longer and got up and sat out on the front stoop for the rest of the film. I wish all of these feelings would just go away. I want to be able to feel secure in the knolwdge that my wife is here because she wants to be. Every time I start to feel a little secure, something comes up and slaps me in the face, and back down into the depths of depression I go. Sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me.

Happy Mother's Day

Well today is Mother's Day. A day of joy and celebration. I just hope I can get through it without a reminder. It would be nice to go a full day without something reminding me. Last night my wife gave me a BIG reminder when she slipped and said "Look at that bloodhound nose". My dog is a BEAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How?

I remember her saying the words over and over in a tear choked voice. "He pushed me away". This thought keeps going around and around in my head now. Does this mean that if he had not pushed her away that she would still be with him? And if so, what does that make me? Am I just some sort of safty net? Someone to fall back on when the one she wants ignores her? And what if he for some reason decides that he would like to fire things up again? Am I to just sit here waiting for someone else to decide my fate for me? But what other choice do I have?