Went to the Park...

We went to the park for a couple hours. It was HOT, but only in the sun. The shade was nice and there was a light breeze blowing so it wasn't to bad. I held Snoopy while Gina and Casandra played on the slide and the swings. The boys spent most of the time in the skate park riding over the jumps.

I tried to have a good time but I stil could not get my mind off her. She is in my thoughts constantly. The pills help some, without them I don't think I would be able to even smile.

I'm in a real pickle. On one hand I want to appear happy so that she will not be discouraged. But, on the other hand I don't want her to think everything is OK. There are still some things that I NEED her to do. But I can't just make demands. That will just push her away even farther. And If she does what I need because I aksed her to it will not have the same meaning. I need her to do them of her own free will, because she is comitted to me, and because it is what she wants to do. If it is done for any other reason it would be meaningless.

I know in my heart that I have forgiven her for what she has done before March 4th. But I am still trying to forgive for all she has done after. The last two weeks have been a living hell. Knowing that she was still trying to contact him even after all the work I have done to make our house a happy home. How could she take my heart and crush it like that. And then she tries to make me feel guily for looking over her shoulder. Well....Guess what....I don't feel guilty in the least. If I haden't found out on my own she would never have told me about it. It would have been just another in a long list of secrets.

Will she ever stop keeping things from me?
Will she ever be completely honest with me?
Will she ever try to earn my trust?
Will she ever stop trying to get back into his circle?
Will she ever be able and willing to dedicate herself to me?

.....or am I just wasting my time.....

This would be soo much easier if I didn't love her so completely. If I didn't love her so much I would be able to just walk away and try to start a new life.

But I can't.

I can't just give up.