...worst day yet

We had our worst day yet. I told her that I wanted proof. She said okay tell me how. I told her what I thought would give me some, and she said no.

I'm having a hard time with that. She wanted to send a letter, but I think the time for that has past. I'm not giving up, but I need to be standing on solid ground before I can climb out of this hole I'm in.

I'm still to confused to express all of my feelings.

Here I sit...

Well, another day goes by with nothing to show for it. My nerves are streched so tight right now I feel I could snap at any moment. I don't know how much more of this I can take. She continues to act like nothing is wrong.

I can't leave because I have to much work to do, but I am afarid to touch anything for fear I will break it. That's all we need right now. I can't take it here. I feel so boxed in. The room feels like it is getting smaller and smaller. I can't sit stil. I can't consentrate on anything for more than 10 seconds. I am constently choking back tears. I am officially going nuts.

Worried!?!?!?!?!?!?

I feel so worried and restless right now that I can barely sit here long enuff to type this in.

I don't know if it is because I ran out of pills, or because I think I saw something that will work but I don't think she will do it. It was in one of the relpies to her post on the group.

My head is ready to explode!!!!!!!!!!

Long Talk

We had a long talk last night. Mostly we just seem to go around in circles, saying the same things to each other over and over. But I think I was able to make it known to her that I can not continue without some proof. I have been lied to far to many times to take anything on faith any more. It hurts me just to type it in here, but it is true. I told her that her efforts (more affection and loving kindness) have NOT gone unnoticed. And they have NOT been useless. They do a lot of good, but I have no solid footing to rest on yet. Once I have that then the efforts she has been using will work that much more.

Another thing that bothers me A LOT, is all of the little keepsakes and mementos that she has stashed around the house. Love notes, pictures, gifts and such. Why does she need them. What will they reminder her of other than the pain we are feeling now. It would do my heart good if she would come to me and ask me to build a fire in the grill, and bring me ALL of them so WE can destroy them together. This would by no means be a replacement of the proof that I need, but I can't hurt. I'm so low now, I am willing to try anything.

Hopefully she will have some good news for me tomorrow.

Sooooooooo confused

I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. I'm sitting here all alone. The boys went to the park, and she went to the wedding. All day I've been having such conflicting feelings. One minute I miss her so deeply that I don't think I can survive. And the next I am so pissed I feel like running and not leaving a forwarding address. And the next I feel so hopeless that I just want to end the pain at any cost.

I started feeling this way Friday night on my way home from Shell. Ironically, I was thinking of the same story that she mentioned in her blog last night. The one about her wanting to drive off a cliff and being saved at the last minute by her knight in shining armor. The part of her story that sent me off the deep end was that she wasn't driving off a cliff because of what she did to me. She was doing it because he wouldn't talk to her anymore.

Then I got to thinking about the "effort" she says she is putting in. And it occurred to me that she is only willing to do the things that are quick and painless. Nothing that would require any real effort. She got me the XM radio. I love it, and I love that she got it for me. But I think she would not have done it if I hadn't made those comments about Gina buying me the coffee mug.

Now that she has said that she is not ready to read the books with me, that gives her a perfect score. She has not done one thing that I asked her to do for me. Why? I have done everything she wanted, without question.

God! I feel so alone. I really wish she was here with me right now.

I can't count how many times I told her that I was getting the feeling that she was only here because she had nowhere else to go. And every time she would tell me that she was here because she loves me and that she wants to be here. Which I started to believe until I found this letter that she wrote to him.

"I just want you to know what is going on in the inner me. What appears on the
outside may not reflect what is on the inside. I am doing things, things that do
not make me "happy", but I have to deal. Nothing is making me happy. My words
roll off my tongue, they may seem happy but not really. This is my feelings. I
still love you! It breaks me inside. I have 0 places to turn! I can not get any
kind of aide because of "income" levels. I keep trying to find another part time
job, but no one is hiring. I feel trapped. I feel alone! I wish I knew how to go
on anymore. It has been over three months since I saw you and you would think
that the pain would go away but every single day I find myself pondering you.
Missing you and longing for you! I tried, God knows I tried, to forget
about us, but it just"

And it ends like that. I think she wrote it about the time she went to see him at the pet store. Beginning of July.

So I was right all along. Confirmed in her own words. So why don't I run, run like the wind? Maybe I'm just to stupid. Blinded by love.

All I ever wanted was a little reassurance that she was still "in" love with me. Well I'm not waiting one more day. If she can't do what is needed then we need to follow a different rout.

I really just want to end it all. I've been working so hard for so long, and for what?

...she is not "ready"...

So, tonight I see that she is not "ready" to read the books with me. OK. I don't understand why. What is there to get ready for? I thought that the books will teach us how the other one thinks, and hopefully make a little sense of it all. But if she is not ready, that's OK. I'll never mention it again. She can come to me when she is ready, and we'll go from there.

I don't understand how she can NOT know what has been bothering me. All she has to do is read this blog. All of my emotions are laid out for the world to see. I have nothing to hide.

I forgot the book at school...

I was feeling pretty shitty last night so I went home early. I intended to get a little extra sleep, but I just laid there for about an hour. Finally, I got up and played a little X-box. When it was time for the boys to get up I turned my wife's alarm off so she could get some extra sleep, and got the boys up and out on my own. Then I went to sleep after my wife left for work.

Had a tough time with Jake doing his homework. First he tried the old, "I forgot the book at school" routine. Well, I wasn't falling for that one, so back to school we went. It took some time, but eventually he got the work done. Next week I am not going to let him put it off all week. His teacher assigns the homework for the week on Mondays. She gives out 4 pages of work, to be done in 4 nights. Seems logical. But Jake loves to put it off until Thursday night.

I still don't know what to do about my love problems. I still feel like I'm living in some kind of a dream, where nothing is what it seems.

Maybe I'll go home early again. I can't shut my fucking head off when there is nothing to distract me.

God...I hope tomorrow is better.

My head won't stop...

I feel like my head is running an endless tape that keeps repeating over and over again. I feel like I'm trying to do this alone. Last month when we had our long talks I thought that something would change, that something would make me say to myself "I get it now". But nothing has changed. She is still pretending that everything is OK, when it is not. She still thinks that if we just pretend that nothing happened it will somehow magically go away.

I try so hard to just forget, but things like this and this keep me up at night. They keep haunting me. They keep telling me that all of my fears are real. They keep telling me that I am wasting my time trying to work things out.

I want so badly to be able to take all of her pain and guilt away, but how can I do that when I feel so unsure of my own existence? When is she going to realize that these things can't just be berried and forgotten?

Back to school night...

Went to Brad's school today for back to school night. They gave us his schedule, and had us go from class to class the way he does every day. It was pretty nice. All of his teachers seem very driven and willing to put in the extra effort when needed. I think he will do very well this year.

I wanted to write more about my feelings, but I am afraid I will send the wrong message. Still trying to sort things out in my head, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere.

...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...

...too much to ask?

Another Monday done. Was pretty slow at the garage. I helped the melon head work on his Blazer. Not much else happened there.

I've been having a hard time looking happy lately. I don't know what it is but there seems to be something around every corner to remind me. Weather it's a song lyric, or a clue in the crossword, it seems like there is no safe place to hide. When we're together it all seems like a distant memory, but when I'm alone it keeps popping up.

I hate to quote song lyrics, especially a country song, but there is one that says, "I don't know if I'm getting better, or just used to the pain". That is how I feel a lot of the time, like I'm getting numb rather than better. Maybe it's due to the way we act around each other. I can't help the feeling that it is all an act. Like we are trying to prove to each other that we're fine when we both know that we are not. I've been hoping that if we started to go over those books together, that it would feel like progress. I'm still hoping, but we haven't gotten far enough to tell yet. And what if we get through all the books and I still feel this way? Then what?

I just want to feel normal again. I want to be able to trust my wife the way I did a year ago. Is that too much to ask?

Frustration...

We had out first "study" session this weekend. I've been frustrated that it was taking us so long to start. I've also been frustrated at the feelings I've been having. I've been feeling like we are not getting anywhere. Like we are not making any progress. My hope is that our working together on these books, and learning some new things about each other will propel us forward.
Move us ahead to a point where things start feeling real again. I'm having a hard time now because things don't feel real anymore. The only thing that does feel real is my love for her. I need to get that feeling back. I'm hopping that this will do the trick.

...too fucked up to remember...

Today was very difficult. I don't exactly know why though. I was in a very low, sad mood all day. But I could not think of a good reason for it. I still feel rather sad. I feel like I have no drive or ambition. I just don't feel like waking up.

Maybe I'm just over tired. Maybe it's frustration about my marriage. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for what happened to my brother in-law. Or maybe my head is just too fucked up to remember what fun is.

Sometimes you loose sight of the big picture...

You know... Every now and then something will happen that will remind you just how small your problems really are.

Today, I found out that my brother in-law was involved in a serious car accident on his way to work, this morning. No one is sure exactly what happened, but it seems that he was traveling in the second or third lane on Rt. 8 north when, for some reason, he veered of to the right, clipped a truck and began spinning and rolling, and ended up in the trees on his roof. He has epilepsy, so he may have had a seizure, but there is no way to tell. He was rushed to Hartford Hospital in the LifeStar helicopter. As of this writing, he is awaiting surgery to pin together his arms and legs. He also has a brain injury that the doctors are unable to tell the severity of. They need to wait a few days for the swelling to go down. We were told that they expect him to remain in the hospital for 4 weeks.

As I sit here thinking back. All my problems seem petty. I mean, if my marriage doesn't work, we'll go our separate ways and live on. But if this doesn't work out for Dave, there is no tomorrow.

Feeling a lot better...

This weekend I was feeling a lot better. I think the change came about by my being able to work on my car. It felt really good to work on it to improve it, not to fix it. I have a long commute. I drive about 40 miles one way to work every day, so to me it is very important to be as comfertable as possible. For me this is done with a good sound system in the car. I had a very good system in my Jeep, but I don't drive it to work any more 'cause gas is over 3 dollars a gallon now. So this weekend I set out to swap everything from the Jeep into my car.

The conversion started with the installation of my new XM radio, that my wife so lovingly bought me. Once I had that installed, I got the bug. The bug to get the rest installed. I didn't get it all in, but I got a good part of it installed. I still have to build a new box for the subs, and install the components in the doors. I didn't have any wood for the subs, so I put one in. I had an old box for a single 12, but it is very leaky and it makes the sub sound flabby at high volume.(that will never do). I also need to make some adapter plates to fit the comps in the doors. There are 5X10's in the doors now so I need to make a plate that I can attach the 6.5's to, and I think I will mount the tweets on the dash so they will be extra bright.

But I was able to get the head unit in and two amps in. Doesn't sound like much, but you have to remember that I am going from stock. So, I had to run No.4 wire to the trunk. 3 sets or RCA's to the trunk. Remote wires, speaker wires and the sub amp controller, also to the trunk. Not to mention that I disassembled the power supply for the XM radio (was a cig. lighter plug) and soldered wires on the PCB so I could wire it to the fuse box, and get my lighter back.

Doing all this made me feel more "alive" than I have in a long time. And I think I owe it all to my wife. I've been talking about doing this for some time now, but I never did anything. When she gave me that XM receiver, it gave me the nudge I needed to get moving. And for that honey, I am eternally gratefull.

I can't wait 'till next weekend, when I'll have a chance to start working on the new sub boxes, and a rack for the amps. (now the amps are just sliding around in the trunk) Maybe I'll also get a chance to do something about the comps too. Or maybe that would be too much. I don't want to do to much, and have my wife think I'm neglecting her for a radio.

Still haven't heard from the stalker, and for that I am also gratefull.

I think this will be a good week.

We'll see.

Drooling vegetable

Today, most of my thoughts were with the message I got the other night. Who is it? Why did they look for me? What do they want to tell me? Why do they think it is necessary to tell me? What can anyone gain from telling me anything? What makes me so special?

My head feels like it is going in circles. Maybe that is the effect that they wanted. Maybe they don't have anything to tell me, they just wanted to push me over the edge so I become a drooling vegetable. If so, it's working.

The last week or so, I've felt closer to her than I have in a long time. I felt we were on the road to recovery. But these last few days, I find it hard to get my mind off of that fucking message. It's been so bad that I think she feels that I am mad at her, because I've been so preoccupied. Some how I need to push it away, get it out of my mind, get past it. I need to put all of my energy into rebuilding our relationship.

Think positive.

tomorrow WILL be a better day.

Executioner?

I haven't heard anything today from the mystery stalker. This should make me feel a little at ease, but it doesn't. In a way I feel like I'm laying in the guillotine waiting for the executioner to pull the handel and lop my head off.

Today was a very trying day. I felt on edge all day long. This informative stranger is really fucking with my head, as if I needed any help in that regard. But what can I do? Again, I'm left to "wait and see", letting someone else decide my fate.

I don't like it. I don't like it at all.....

A little freaked out..

Yesterday I got a phone call on my cell. It was from a private number, so I didn't answer it. I let it go to voice mail. When I checked the message, there was nothing there. Just some noise like the sound of the phone rubbing on something or voices in the background. I thought it was a wrong number.

Well. Today I got a text message on my cell phone. It seems to be from the same person. I don't know what to make of it. It's making me a little freaked out. I can't figure out who it could be. The text is from "Unknown" and the call was "Private". They must not want me to know who they are, or maybe they don't want Deb to know.

Now my head is going a million miles an hour and I don't know how to stop it. It doesn't make any sense. It's probably just someone fucking with me. But I still can't shut my fucking head off.

Holiday Weekend

It was nice to have a long weekend. Went to the typical family gathering. Actually this one is getting better than the rest. Ever since Lorraine took over hosting the Labor Day picnic, it has been like a real party once the "sisters" leave. Last year the cops showed up to tell us to lower the music. No cops this year, but it was fun none the less.

Feel disappointed in myself today. I really wanted to set some time aside for us to read, but it never happened. We were always doing something or had someplace to go. I would like to feel like we are making some real progress, rather than just spinning our wheels.

Maybe tomorrow...

First day of school...

Today was a little hecktic. I got home early. My intension was to get the boys up and out without waking her up. I wanted to let her sleep, give her one last morning when she didn't have to get up. Well, I got there a little late for that. We got Brad up and ready and out to the bus stop, for his first "Ride" to school. He has logged hundreds of hours on school busses in his short life, but this is the first time that he was actually riding to school. He looked a little nervous, but all went well. While we were waiting on Gina's porch for Brad's bus, Jake came out to join us. After Brad left, we got Jake ready and walked him and Alex to school. When we got back home it was time for her to go to work. I tried to lay down and get some sleep, but I was still too worked up from the run around. I finally got to sleep around 10:30am.

It seemed like only a moment had past when I was being woken up by Gina and Chica. It was 12:45pm. Time to go get Jake and Alex from school already. Needless to say, I'm still a little bit tired.

Things seem to be getting better between us. There is still a lot of work to be done by both of us and I'm still very afaraid of getting let down again. I hope we get a chance to sit down and read this wekend. I think we need to set up a time for us to do it at least once a week for an hour or two. I think it would be a good way of letting eachother know how we are doing without it being an arguement or a put down. I think only good things can come from it.

A better day...

Today was a better day. I was able to sleep 'til a reasonable hour. She came home to me early enuff so we could spend some time together. Yes! It was a good day indeed. We even got both of the cells working again so we had a nice long chat when I got to work. I actuall feel somewhat comfortable.

I hope this is the start of an upward trend.

Time will tell.