I'm realy starting to think that it is hopeless.

Why do I keep finding these notes all over the place? Is she trying to tell me something that she doesn't have the courage to do herself?

I mean, when you stop and think about it, it makes sence. It explains all the little signs that I keep seeing. The emails and IMs. The visit to his store. Her lack of feeling and desire. The love notes tucked away for safe keeping.

I have yet to find anything writen down that says how mush she loves and needs me. Will I ever see anything that shows how much she is willing to do for me, for us? What did I do to deserve this torture. An affair is one thing but the pain I'm living with now is 100 times worse. The constant uncertanty. How she says one thing to me and writes down another for herself. God Damn it, I wish it was over. I wish she had the courage to have told me from the start.

My heart is telling me to stay and do whatever it takes but my head is telling me to run like the wind and never look back. Just jump in my Jeep with nothing but the clothes on my back and head west as far as the money will take me and then look for a job and try to start over. And my head is getting louder and louder every day. It's is getting harder to ignore. If only I didn't love her so much. If only there was a way to know for sure if she still thought of me as her husband and lover, or if she is hoping that someday she will learn to love me again.

I've been trying so hard to show her how much she means to me.
How much I love her.
How much I need and want her.

But it seems to be falling on deaf ears. When is she going to see that this can't be fixed by putting on a happy face and pretending that nothing is wrong.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night.
I'm tired of waking up and wondering if today is the day that he will call and tell her that he still loves her.
I'm tired of feeling alone when she is sitting right next to me.
I'm tired of feeling sick in my stomach whenever I see a love scene on TV.

When will it end?

I need it to end soon.......