Trust!

The past few days we've talked a lot about trust and my lack of it. She keeps telling me that she is not waiting for a phone call, but I keep finding things that tell me different. I've been asking for her to do something that will show me that she is being honest with me when she tells me this, but she says she doesn't know how. She has asked me to tell her what to do. I told her that, if I have to tell her, then it is not coming from her.

I could think of a few ways that she could show me. But all of these will mean nothing unless it is from her.

1. She could write him a letter, telling him that she will never talk to him again. And that we have been together through it all.

2. She could arrange a meeting with the FOUR of us. Including Stacy (or whatever her real name is). The four of us could discuss what happened and collectively "take it to the curb".

3. She could call him on the phone, so that I could listen to the conversation.

4. She could give me a way of contacting Stacy. So I could talk to someone in the same position as me and we could compare notes, so to speak. Someone with no reason to lie to me.

Any one of these things would have given me a foundation to build on. A way to start trusting. It would have shown me in an undeniable way, that she is indeed committed to us.

But she has done and will do none of them. Why? The only reason I can come up with that she hasn't is that he still thinks she is single and waiting. But don't think that I just came up with this due to depression or being pessimistic. I get it from the notes that I find, where she tells of her TRUE feelings.

But don't take my word for it. Let me give you an example.

The following quote is from a note written some time after the first of June. That's about 5 months after my finding out about the affair, and her telling me that she was completely dedicated to me.

"Trying to forget all the pain in my heart. Showing on he outside that I'm back to normal. But what is normal when all I do is think of him? Every turn I take something reminds me of him, a song, a marker plate, a car, everywhere I turn he is there! Everyday I relive it all, everyday I wish he did not break my heart, everyday I regret that I broke his. No words could take back the pain we caused. I just hope someday he will forgive me and this pain will stop. I lost him as my friend and that to me means so much more. He will be in my heart for the rest of my life no matter where I am or what I do. He will hold a special key to my heart, the same key he has had for manny, manny years!"


After reading this, how am I supposed to feel? I feel like she is expecting me to just forget it and carry on like nothing is wrong.

There is one thing special about the truth. It never needs an explanation. When you hear a true story, you are left with no unanswered questions. Usually a little light will go of and you think to yourself "O, it all makes since now".

See, this is what I think happened, based on what I've found out on my own.

1. She starts having an affair some time in the beginning to the middle of Dec. And for the purposes of clarity when I say affair I mean a sexually active relationship. And just as an added bonus, she created her mrstruckkiller account on my birthday. Nice present!!

2. I think she left my kids home alone after going to sleep, so that she could see him. More than once.

3. They made plans to marry, and even picked out rings.

4. I think she had sex with HIM on Valentines Day and told me a story about a doctor’s visit to make me wait. I also think that she went as far as shaving her pussy and dyeing her hair for him.

5. I think she went away with him for the weekend in Feb. Maybe the two of them went to RI, or maybe they got a hotel room somewhere, or they could always have just stayed in MY FUCKING HOUSE. After all I wasn't there to get in the way.

6. I think he broke up with Stacy in the beginning of Feb. and was upset that she didn't follow suit by separating with me.

7. I think she never knew Stacy any better than I knew Bob. He sent her a picture so she could see what she looked like.

8. At some point in the affair (I think it was a few days after I found out) he asked her if she still loved me. She said yes, but that is not what she meant. She meant that she loved me as a brother, but he heard that she was still "in" love with me. At that point the affair was effectively over. He stepped away to let her reconcile with me, but that is not what she wanted. She wanted to be with him. They continued to talk on the phone every morning, but he grew increasingly distant. Whenever the topic of their relationship would come up he didn't want to talk about it. He started getting hostile and would call her names and finally told her to stop calling. But she still carries a torch for him, to this day.

So. Riddle me this Bat Man! Where do I sand? On the surface she is very sweet and loving toward me. But if you look a little deeper you see a big empty.

Since I found out I have been putting all of my effort into being the husband she needs and deserves. I have written poems, given flowers and cards for no reason other than I love her. Every card she got was filled with my feelings. I would always write a personal note in them to tell her how much I love her. For Mother's Day I gave her a card from the boys, a small gift and a card filled with my love. On our Anniversary I gave her, her favorite flowers and a small gift and a card filled with my love. For our Anniversary I received two cards with the words "Love Deb" scrawled inside. Nothing personal, nothing telling me how much she loves me. For Father's Day I received a small gift from the boys and a card from the boys and nothing else. Nothing from her.

So now I sit here thinking to myself that maybe she will really try this time. Even though there is nothing to show me this, I still feel it. And I was left the task of telling her how.

Well.... the only thing that comes to mind would be for her to tell me the WHOLE, TRUE story of what happened. Tell me so that all of the questions are answered and I get that light in my head. I want to be able to say to myself "OK. Now it makes since".

But I don't know if she can do it. I can already here her saying "You know everything already". Well, if that was true, then why all the notes? Why does she get pissed at me for looking over her shoulder? I think she has sworn by so many lies that she is afraid to come clean.

Hopefully...She will prove me wrong.