Looking Back...

I spent a little time looking back today. One thing I've learned more than anything else is how easily she can cover up her real feelings and not let them show. This is one of the things that is making it difficult to accept her at her word. Not that I don't want to. But when someone tells you something, and later you find out it was a lie. Then they tell you the same thing and say that they mean it this time, then you later find out that this too, was a lie. And all the while this person was doing her best to act like nothing was wrong. Where does that leave you?

It leaves me torn. My heart is pulling me to accept what she says as truth. But my head is telling me that it is just the same story. So I look to her for help. I look to her to show me that she is telling me the truth. But all I get is the same story.

Trust is the most important part of any relationship. I feel that I have proven to her my willingness to trust her. I did this in a way that can't be denied or explained away. It wasn't easy, and it still scares me a little, but I did it to prove to her that I CAN trust her. And once the new cheques come in the mail, she can carry with her a reminder of just how willing I am to trust her.

How much longer should I wait for my reminder? I've been waiting for more than six months now. She says that she doesn't know what to do. I tried to tell her what to do, but that just made it meaningless. So I told her to forget it. She needs to do it on her own, and because it is something she wants to do.

Without trust........there's nothing.