It started as a talk...

We started to talk the other night, but it quickly turned into a shouting match. I feel bad that I yelled, but at the same time I'm not sorry for what I said. I feel torn between pushing her to give me what I feel I deserve, and the pain I see in her eyes. I just want her pain to stop, but at the same I can no longer neglect myown.

I need her to know why I asked for what I did in my last post. There are basicly three reasons that drew me to it.

1. It is the only thing that can't be corrupted. Either by my asking for it or by any outsiders.

2. Hopefully, it would give me some sort of closure. Not as much as knowing it was over, but closure, if in a lesser degree.

3. I think the biggest thing I was looking for was her ability to tell me. I think that is the thing that I was looking for the most. For her to finally be able to get all the cards on the table, and free herself of the guilt.

That is what I am looking for.

And now I am filled with the frustration of going through all the pain of a fight and coming out with nothing more than I went in with. I wanted to explain why I asked for what I did today, but she seemed in such a good mood, and was having fun. I didn't have the heart to ruin it. But now I am paying the price for my neglect.