Trying to make sense of it all...
I've been spending a lot of time lately, trying to sort things out in my mind. Trying to make sense of it all. The trouble is, the more I think about our situation, the less sense it makes to me. All I wanted her to do was to show me that I had nothing to fear. But she can't seem to do it. The last episode was about the phone call I asked her to make. She said that it would be to painful to hear his voice again. That, in itself, gives me something to fear. It tells me that just the sound of his voice is enough to sway her back to him. It's enough to put doubt in her mind as to weather she is doing the right thing by trying to work on us.
About a week ago I asked her to do me a favor, but maybe that would be to painful as well. Maybe she doesn't want to lose all of the things that remind her of the life she could have had, if only she had answered that question differently. If she told him that she was no longer in love with me.
I don't know. Every day I think that maybe today will be the day that she shows me what I need to see. But every day my frustration level gets a little higher. I'm begining to see that the reason she can't show me that there is nothing to fear, is because there is something to fear. She can't prove to me that she is not waiting for a call because she is waiting for a call.
I don't know. It all boils down to that one fact. I don't know.
posted by Broken Hubby @ 1:16 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
I don't even know how to begin...
I stumbled across this blog as I was going to post on my own. It's really bittersweet ~ good to know there are guys like you out there who feel things and love this deeply, but so sad to see anyone going through all this turmoil.
I lost my very best friend less than two years ago because she killed herself over losing her husband and their two boys due to a 2+ year long affair with a likewise married man. (He got away with it; still "happily" married & she's none the wiser...)I can't begin to tell you how devastating that is to me every day. I've recently gone through a divorce myself after 10 years of trying to make it work, and every day I miss having her to be here for me through this & to share the good times that come from having my freedom and independence back again. Please don't even consider suicide an option! Yes, that would permanently end your pain, but it will leave your loved ones with more pain than you could ever imagine, and they will always wonder if there was something they should have done or should have said to stop you, and a part of them will always blame themselves, no matter what anyone tells them.
Ok, sorry, I had to say that. I didn't get to say it to my friend. Her plan to kill herself was the one thing she kept from me.
That being said, as far as I can see, being a complete stranger who knows nothing about you, your wife or your situation, I would advise you to stop asking her to prove her sincerity to you. It has to come from her or how can you ever believe it? She's already abused your trust, so even though you love her enough that you think your love can overcome anything, it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done to forgive her, if that's even possible!
I know it's so much easier to say it than to do it and feel it, but I believe that the best thing you can do for yourself and for your kids is to try to move forward & look for your happiness outside of her. Don't be afraid to speak with a therapist or counselor of some sort. I'd never been to one in my life, but once I did, that's when I finally figured out that, as much as I believe in marriage till death do you part & in making it work against all the odds, I had to face the fact that I was really unhappy with the ups & downs I was having to live with on a daily basis. I thought it would devastate my son (who was 8 at the time) when I finally decided to leave his dad, and it did for a little while - I was even the bad guy for a short time - but he has become so much more confident and happy since the split. I personally think it's because he's seen the weight lifted off of me & seen me for who I really am for once, not this anal, bitchy person who always had to make everything work & keep dad happy (which was an impossible task!). It also helps that he doesn't have to live in confinement with two people who are struggling to get along & not fight all the time.
Anyway, sorry to go on like this, but I felt like I really had to share my experience with you. Time really does heal everything. It's not always going to be totally great, but it doesn't have to be this bad, either. Good luck to you...
Thank you for sharing. It really helps to know that there are people out there who care enough to share their own experiences.
I started this blog because I didn't have anyone that I could talk to about my pain, and it helped to get my thoughts out of my head, so to speak. It's nice to know, that when I speak in this way, that someone is listening.
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