Lost and alone

I sit here at work, everything is done and there is nothing to distract my thoughts. I feel so confused. I don't know what to do. I see now that there is no way that she will ever see things from my side of the fence. Never see how many times she cried wolf, and what that does to me. Never understand how I can't take anything on faith anymore. How am I supposed to know that she is telling the truth this time instead of just telling me what I want to hear?

I spent about a half hour thinking of ways to end my pain. Whenever I get this low, I always seem to get the same vision in my head that brings me back around. A vision of my mother, talking to Bradley in a funeral home. Telling him bullshit about what a wonderful father he had instead of telling him the truth. That his father was such a pussy that he took the easy way out.

I don't know how to move forward. I know what I think I need, and so does she. I need proof that he knows that she is unavailable and not still waiting. I need to know that she is going to give us 100%. Not just when it is easy and convenient.

But what can I do?