Sooooooooo confused

I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. I'm sitting here all alone. The boys went to the park, and she went to the wedding. All day I've been having such conflicting feelings. One minute I miss her so deeply that I don't think I can survive. And the next I am so pissed I feel like running and not leaving a forwarding address. And the next I feel so hopeless that I just want to end the pain at any cost.

I started feeling this way Friday night on my way home from Shell. Ironically, I was thinking of the same story that she mentioned in her blog last night. The one about her wanting to drive off a cliff and being saved at the last minute by her knight in shining armor. The part of her story that sent me off the deep end was that she wasn't driving off a cliff because of what she did to me. She was doing it because he wouldn't talk to her anymore.

Then I got to thinking about the "effort" she says she is putting in. And it occurred to me that she is only willing to do the things that are quick and painless. Nothing that would require any real effort. She got me the XM radio. I love it, and I love that she got it for me. But I think she would not have done it if I hadn't made those comments about Gina buying me the coffee mug.

Now that she has said that she is not ready to read the books with me, that gives her a perfect score. She has not done one thing that I asked her to do for me. Why? I have done everything she wanted, without question.

God! I feel so alone. I really wish she was here with me right now.

I can't count how many times I told her that I was getting the feeling that she was only here because she had nowhere else to go. And every time she would tell me that she was here because she loves me and that she wants to be here. Which I started to believe until I found this letter that she wrote to him.

"I just want you to know what is going on in the inner me. What appears on the
outside may not reflect what is on the inside. I am doing things, things that do
not make me "happy", but I have to deal. Nothing is making me happy. My words
roll off my tongue, they may seem happy but not really. This is my feelings. I
still love you! It breaks me inside. I have 0 places to turn! I can not get any
kind of aide because of "income" levels. I keep trying to find another part time
job, but no one is hiring. I feel trapped. I feel alone! I wish I knew how to go
on anymore. It has been over three months since I saw you and you would think
that the pain would go away but every single day I find myself pondering you.
Missing you and longing for you! I tried, God knows I tried, to forget
about us, but it just"

And it ends like that. I think she wrote it about the time she went to see him at the pet store. Beginning of July.

So I was right all along. Confirmed in her own words. So why don't I run, run like the wind? Maybe I'm just to stupid. Blinded by love.

All I ever wanted was a little reassurance that she was still "in" love with me. Well I'm not waiting one more day. If she can't do what is needed then we need to follow a different rout.

I really just want to end it all. I've been working so hard for so long, and for what?