...too much to ask?

Another Monday done. Was pretty slow at the garage. I helped the melon head work on his Blazer. Not much else happened there.

I've been having a hard time looking happy lately. I don't know what it is but there seems to be something around every corner to remind me. Weather it's a song lyric, or a clue in the crossword, it seems like there is no safe place to hide. When we're together it all seems like a distant memory, but when I'm alone it keeps popping up.

I hate to quote song lyrics, especially a country song, but there is one that says, "I don't know if I'm getting better, or just used to the pain". That is how I feel a lot of the time, like I'm getting numb rather than better. Maybe it's due to the way we act around each other. I can't help the feeling that it is all an act. Like we are trying to prove to each other that we're fine when we both know that we are not. I've been hoping that if we started to go over those books together, that it would feel like progress. I'm still hoping, but we haven't gotten far enough to tell yet. And what if we get through all the books and I still feel this way? Then what?

I just want to feel normal again. I want to be able to trust my wife the way I did a year ago. Is that too much to ask?