When I went wrong

I think it all started about a week before I threw Dawn out of the house on October 20th. 1993 I think was the year, could have been 94 but I think it was 93 it was a Wednesday. What ever it really doesn't matter. At that point in my life she was really doing a number on my head. And it was then that I made a conscious decision that I would never let a woman get to me like that. I told my self that she was not worth it. That no woman was worth it. This attitude seemed to serve me very well at first. It took most of the pain out of the hell she was putting me through and I think that it drastically increased my recovery time after the separation.

But then I met Deb. She was so beautiful and full of energy. It wasn't long before I fell in love with her. But I stuck to my decision to not let her get too close. And as time went by, instead of slowly letting her in, I was drawing further and further away. But it was happening so slowly that I was unaware that anything was changing. I think it hit it's peak when my father died. At that point I was so shut off and distanced that I couldn't even let her comfort me in my time of need. And I held in all the pain and that made me pull even further away. It got so bad that I didn't even know who she was working with anymore. I didn't know about her doctors appointments or even look into the medical problems she was having. And none of this was her fault. She tried and tried to tell me what was going on, but I wouldn't listen... I wouldn't listen.

So....Now I look back at all this with clearer vision and wonder how I could have been so stupid? How could I have let such a wonderful woman suffer so? How can I ever hope to make it up to her? How can I prove to her that I am not the same person I was? How can I blame her for looking elsewhere for the recognition and support she so desperately needed and deserved?

Now I sit here a broken man. Broken of my own hand. Not knowing what the love of my life is really feeling. Is she willing to give me the chance to make it up to her? To be the husband she deserves? How can I tell her that she is the most beautiful person that I know without it sounding like I'm just trying to win her back?