The roller coaster ride

Some of the people that have tried to help in the groups that I have been in have told me that the next six months will be a roller coaster ride of emotions. Let me tell you that they are right. I expected to have good days and bad days, but lately its been more like good hours instead of days. I feel so confused all the time. When we are together I feel very good. When we are apart I have a very tough time. But it is not a matter of trust. I don't feel bad because I think she is running around with him or calling him. It's hard to put into words. It's like when we are together, I can see the smile on her face and it gives me some reassurance of her commitment and love. And I really need that constant reassurance.

This week I saw some things that really made me feel good. She was much more affectionate this week than before. That makes me feel that she is really trying to help me recover. On the other hand I have seen some things that make me wonder. Yesterday was our ninth wedding anniversary. When she got home from work I had flowers and a gift waiting for her along with a card that I wrote a short, personal note in. She had two cards for me. It wasn't the lack of a gift that made me wonder it was that in the cards, there was nothing but her name. No note. It made me feel like I was not worth the effort. There was nothing personal or special. I don't know it sounds like I'm being petty but it really would have meant a lot to me to get something that made me feel special.

I just hope that some day soon I can keep my emotions on an even happy level. I love this woman with all my heart and soul. I would willingly and happily lay down my life for her. I just wish there were words to describe it. Love doesn't feel strong enough.

But still I am on this roller coaster. One moment, I can think of nothing but her beautiful blue eyes, and the next I am obsessing about getting Stacy's phone number. One moment the only thing that matters is the smell of her hair, and the next I need to know what happened on December 9th. One moment the only thing that feels real is her hand rubbing my back, and the next I feel like smashing my truck into a brick wall to end the pain.

I don't know what to do. I need to talk to her. Not about the past but about the present and the future. I need to know if I am being supportive enough. I need to know if I am drawing her closer or pushing her away. I need to know what I can do to make her feel better about herself. But I am afraid to talk. I'm afraid that I will say the wrong thing and end up pushing her away. I'm afraid that she will see me as being in her face instead of just trying to love her the way she needs to be loved, and that is my reason for living. To love her the way she needs to be loved. If I can't figure that out, I can't see any reason to go on living.