A Sunday at the Pulls...

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Sunday we took the boys to the Goshen Agricultural Fair, for them to compete in the garden tractor pulls. This is something that my buddy Bob has been into for several years now. And he is the one who talked me into bringing my faithful lawn mowing machine to be punished in such an event.

The day was bright and sunny with a little breeze. Very comfortable. Yeah, I got one hell of a sun burn on the back of my neck and the top of my bald head. But not as bad as Deb's.

The event turned out to be a lot of fun for the kids and the adults, as well. I even entered to compete in one of the adult classes. The kids went first and I was able to walk along side of them to coach them a little, but they needed very little advise. The only mistake Jake made was that he forgot to rev the motor up on his first pull, but the load was so light that he pulled it the full eight feet anyway. They both got knocked out in the second round. Jake made a pull of 4 inches, and
Brad made a pull of 10. Luckily, this was good enough for fourth and fifth place. They were both awarded ribbons.

I, on the other hand, did not fare as well. When it came time for my class to compete, my left rear tire had gone flat. Having no way to inflate it, I flattened the right side so that it would be even. I was able to make a "full pull" in the first round but was taken out early in the second round. No ribbon for me. O well, maybe next time. The boys had a blast and said that they want to do it again, so I'll probabily make a few alterations to the tractor. Add a little weight will be the first thing. There is another fair with a pull in a few weeks. We'll see how it goes.

Movies... I never saw

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Here is a list of movies that I never saw, but want to.

1. A Clockwork Orange


2. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest


3. Casablanca


4. Gone With the Wind


5. The Omen (1976 version, never saw the whole thing)


6. Rosemary's Baby


7. The Maltese Falcon


8. Rear Window


9. Taxi Driver


10. Cool Hand Luke

What is on your list of never seen films?

Nice Weekend!

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Deb and I got the chance to get away from the kids, this weekend. We went to Providence, RI. Why? Because our priceline bid for a $43 room was accepted. That is enough reason for me. I have to say that I was having a hard time with the memories that this destination dug up, but it was a fun time none the less. We arrived around supper time on Saturday. They are moving i95 right near the hotel so the directions we got from the Internet were completely wrong. We spent about 20min. driving around in circles, even cutting through the construction and slipping in the mud. Once we FINALLY got to the hotel, Deb called her friend and she met us for supper. That was a little awkward for me as well. I kept getting the feeling that I was being compared with someone else by Deb's friend Lori Ann. I'm sure it was nothing but my head fucking with me, but it gave me an uncomfortable feeling. After supper Deb and I went out to a comedy club. They had an improv night with two groups performing. They were both pretty funny. Then we just went back to the hotel to retire for the night, and headed back home after breakfast in the morning. All in all, It was a very fun time. I enjoyed myself. It would have been nice to have a few more days there. There is a lot to do there, which shocked the hell out of me. There's a lot of history in the town.

It's been too long....

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I've been thinking and pondering an up date post for a while now, it's been a long time coming. I could make excuses about my computer running like shit at home and the fear of security monitoring my internet activity at work, but it boils down to me just not doing it. So, here it is...

I started back a work a little over a week ago. I find myself wondering how I could have possibly wanted, even longed to come back to this hole. Not that it is hard work or anything, but the hours of boredom tend to weigh on me from time to time. It gives me entirely too much time for my feeble mind to wander. I'm starting to feel the burden that is the lack of Al. Since he retired a few weeks ago, I've inherited a lot of the work that he did. The trouble is that he didn't do the easy stuff. Pain in the ass, a lot of it is. It's not all bad though. Tonight I went to Stop and Shop and picked up the fixin's to put together some bacon egg and cheese sandwiches. Tommy and I ate like kings.

Well... The kids are official out of school for the summer. Brad was very excited about getting a yearbook this year. I can't believe that he gets one in 5th grade. I got one in middle school and thought that was wierd but elementary school?

Jake got the chickenpox! To demonstrate the shortcomings of my wife's hospital of choice, they mis-diagnosed him. They said it was a reaction to the chlorine in the pool he was swimming in. But no, it's a simple case of chickenpox. When Deb took him to school on his last day, she stopped in to see the nurse. She told Deb what it was and informed her that there were about 13 other kids in the 4th grade who also had it. On the up side, it seems to be a very mild case that everyone is getting. No other symptoms other than the spots and a little itching. I remember when I had it as a kid. I was sick in bed for several days. Damn! These kids have it too easy these days. (did I sound really old right there?)

Kite Festival

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This weekend Brad's boy scout troop went camping at Hammonasset Beach State Park . ConnectiKITERS were having their annual kite festival there as well. I had never even thought that such a thing existed so we just had to go up and check it out. My mother even traveled the six hours to come with us and brought her sister Berta along. We had a fantastic time. I was amazed at the size of some of them. If you click on the clubs link, they have some good pictures of the event that give you a feel of just how big some of them are.

They had three different "fields" set up. One for the public to fly the kites that they brought with them, or purchased at the little kite store they set up. They had a field for club members with giant kites, and one for demos. In the demo field they flew sport kites (the ones with dual lines that you can steer) to music. Some of them were really cool. They also had some "kite battles". They use kites with a special rough string, and they try to tangle up with each other and pull on the string to cut them down. The last one flying is the winner.

Here are some more pix we shot at the event.

I'm Back!!

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Let's try this again. I've been trying to post this for several days now, but I keep loosing and rerighting it. Last time I lost it when I tried to do a spell check so please excuse my spelling errors, I am not going to run the spell checker this time.

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I want to thank everyone who sent me a note ,card, flower, or baloon while I was in the hospital. It was a big help to me to be able to look at the wall and see all of the things that people had sent. This is a picture of about half of them up on the wall in my hospital room.

The purple papers are the "Cheer-o-grams". A bunch of kids in Brad's class made cards and sent them in as well. Jake, on the other hand, managed to convince his teachers that due to the stress of having his father in the hospital, he shouldn't get any homework. And it worked. His teachers didn't assign him any homework the whole time I was ill. I think he is going to grow up to be a car salesman or a loan shark.

I've been trying to get things straight in my head about what happened, but it hasen't been easy. I can't remember anything after about 1am, that day. The doctors tell me that I injested a large ammount of Ethylene Glycol. At work, we mix diamond powder with ethylene glycol and use it to polish calcium floride. CaF2 is a crystal that is used to make some optics. What bothers me is when I think about it logicly, I can't see any way that it could have been an accident. On the other hand, I have no memory of doing it or even of my mental/emotional state at the time. It is perplexing. I never thought I was capable of anything so stupid. But apparently I am.

The way it plays out in my head is like this. I remember being outside with Tommy (friend at work) and him giving me a bag of his son's old clothes. Then the very next moment, I was having some very strange, very vivid dreams. At least I think most of them were dreams. Then it seems like I was going in and out of conciousness. I can remember small "episodes", like wakeing up in the night and trying to get out of bed. Only to be stopped by my PCT (personal care technition, AKA baby sitter). I remember trying to sit up in bed while in dyalisis, and being pushed back down by my PCT and two nurces. I remember thinking I was in Quito, Equidor, and all I wanted to do was to have lunch with my niece Havah. (She is there as an exchange student.)I remember them wakeing me up and telling me I needed a transfusion, and having me sign something. All of these memories seem very haphazard though. I can't be sure what order they happened in, or even if they really happened at all. They all have a dream aura to them.

Then there are the things that I did, and I have no memory of at all. Deb told me that one time I stood up on my bed and took all my cloths off, and laid back down and fell back to sleep. When she asked me why, my responce was "They wanted a show, so I gave them a show". She also tells me that there was a period of a few days that I was saying everything three times and was completely out of touch with reality. She brought Brad in to the room to visit and asked me if I knew who was there. My reply was "Big day, big day, big day". Poor kid was telling everyone that I gave him a new nickname. She also tells me that there was a time that I spent most of my time sitting up on the bed, with my legs crossed in front of me, bouncung up and down.

All in all, it was a bumpy ride. Hopefully someday I'll be able to remember some more of what happened so I can make sence of it. It's maddening, not knowing.

A question?

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Please allow me to ask a question of all the female readers( as if I had any male readers). A question if the form of a story.

Now, Sue and Bill have been happily married for several years. Sue was a home maker and Bill was in the army. As so often happens, Bill was sent over seas for 18 months in a foreign land. Due to the nature of his mission, he was only able to contact home once a week, on Saturday nights. At this time he was allowed to make a phone call to his wife and to also chit chat with his two children. To, catch up, if you will.

For the first few months, Sue was not happy that she did not have her husband around, but looked forward to the calls. They would talk for over an hour just catching up and telling each other how much they missed and loved each other. Sue always had a smile on her face on Sunday mornings and an extra spring in her step.

One Saturday night when Bill called, he said that he did not want to talk because he was tired, and wanted to get to sleep. Sue said that it was OK, told him that she loved and missed him and said goodbye. But she felt a big emptiness inside. The next week, Bill and Sue talked for a good two hours to make up for the week before.

Gradually, as time went by, the long conversations grew fewer and the weeks when Bill was to tired to talk grew more and more. Until, it was only once a month when they would get a chance to talk.

My question to you is this. How do you think Sue felt about this? Do you think she should feel unloved and forgotten? Or do you think she should put on a happy face and make the best of it? What are your thoughts?

What is love?

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What is the difference between the love you have for a brother or sister and the love you have for a wife or husband?

What is the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?

What do you do when the one you are in love with, loves you as a brother or sister?

These are a few of the questions that keep me awake at night. A few of the thoughts I can not shake.

Clarification...

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I get the feeling that some of you may have gotten the wrong idea from my last few posts. So I want to make some things crystal clear.

I have not now, nor ever, said or implied that sex is the most important part of a marriage. I see it as one link in a long chain of things that are all vital parts of a successful marriage. Things like companionship. Always having someone there to share life's experiences with. Having someone take care of you when your sick, and likewise some one to take care of when their not feeling well. Having an emotional supporter. Someone to pick you up and dust you off, and tell you everything is going to be OK. Someone to share your hopes and dreams with. Someone who truly feels like another half of yourself. Like you are incomplete without them.

All of these and more are just as important to me as sex. Each, a link in a chain. A chain, that would break without any one of them. At this point in my life, I can't imagine a marriage without all the links. Maybe some day I'll think different. Who knows, people change over time. I'm sure, if you asked a married couple in their seventies, they would have a completely different list of links. Every one's needs are different. That doesn't make them right or wrong, just different.

There is one link that I feel rates above all the others. A master link, if you will. One that all others must be built on, and that is HONESTY.

There is one major difference, though, between sex and all the other links in the chain. Sex is the only need that can only be filled by your spouse. You can get emotional, physical, and financial support from family, friends and neighbors. Hell, I've even gotten some emotional support from my boss. But your need for sex has to be filled completely at home, with the one you love.

So call me what you will. Sex maniac. Pervert. I don't care. I am not willing to accept a marriage without ALL the links in the chain.

Revisited.....

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I can tell already that this is going to turn into another round and round. I just have to accept the fact that she is never going to change a thing.

Last year she came to me apologizing that she made a gyno appointment on Feb 15th, so there would be no sex on Valentine's Day. This year, it was not even worth acknowledging. I felt like I didn't even exist.

Happy Valentine's Day?

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The day started out, in my opinion, very well. I came home from work early and made her breakfast in bed, and served it to her on a tray with two cards and a single red rose(very romantic, I thought). My intension was to let her sleep in a little, but she watches a little girl named Emma in the morning now, and I didn't think she would take too kindly to me watching her while Deb slept.

When I woke up this afternoon (a little late), I did the usual and picked up Jake and Alex from school. When I got home I finally shoveled the last of the 24" of snow that we got on Sunday from the driveway and went inside to check out some 'mod' chips for the xbox online. Deb got home shortly after and found out that Jake had left his sled out and it got stolen. She came in to the dining room and tossed two cards on the table for me, turned and went outside to look for the sled. No "Happy Valentine's Day", not even a hug.

After, I watched the neighbor girl while Deb played on the computer until Grandma came to pick up Kassandra. At which point Deb wanted to go pick up a couch for the basement. I said, "OK", and out the door we went. We went to her mothers house to pick up the truck, and the boys wanted to stay there while we got the couch. I thought cool, we could get the couch and bring it home. Then we could have a little "alone" time on Valentine's Day. What could be better? Well.... We dropped of the couch and let the dogs out, and as soon as the dogs were done, Deb said "let's go". So, back to grandma's we went. Watched a little TV and took the boys home.

That, in a nut shell, is how I spent Valentine's Day. Is it wrong for me to feel slighted because I got no nookie? Does that make me some kind of sex maniac? I don't think so, especially when you factor in that it has been over a week since the last time I got any. Or am I just a cry baby?

You tell me!

On the lighter side...

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1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
   
   
   
   1. Is full of raging fires.
   
   
   2. Is full of assasins with loaded weapons.
   
   
   3. Is full of lions that haven't eaten in three years.
   
   Which is the safest?


2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?


4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it and grey when you throw it away?


5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?


6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Click here for the answers, if you need to.

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Am I feeling beter today? Yes, and no. I'm feeling better because Deb and I had a long talk last night, and I was able to let her know what was bothering me without any confusion or acusation. I'm also feeling better today because Deb was a little extra affectionate and cheery. I still feel rather blue due to the result of our long talk, though. As it turns out there is no short term plan for recovery, and the deeper we get into it, the more problems crop up that need to be delt with before we can even think about addressing the original problem. The conversation ended without any clear plan. I learned a lot about her, and I think she learned a lot about me. That makes me feel that the conversation was posative and productive. But at the same time I feel that it was very open ended, and didn't really solve anything. I guess there is nothing for me to do but try to be posative and supportive, and wait some more.

The dungeon

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This weekend I managed to make myself feel totally worthless. The one thing that we needed to do more than anything was to get the basement cleaned out. We have a new washing machine being delivered in the morning and we also wanted to set it up like a play room for the boys. Well, after 3 years of neglect, the basement was a rather pitiful sight, to say the least. It was turned into a haphazard burial ground for old clothes that were worn out or too small, broken toys and boxes of grossly outdated computer parts. All of which needed to be removed. The problem was that I could only spend a few minutes down there cleaning before I was having an asthma attack, and needed to go out for air. I really felt like shit, leaving the bulk of the work to Deb. She said not to worry, that it was no big deal, but to me, it was. When she needed me, I was not able to help.

I'm also feeling inadequate on another front. The frustrating part is that the more I do about it, the worse it gets. And if I do nothing, then it still gets worse. So, what to do. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Maybe, the only right answer, is the one I have been avoiding all this time.